Did you get a dumb Christmas gift this year? I didn’t, but I do get several catalogs in the mail that I’ve noticed offer some of the silliest items I’ve ever seen. Some are downright stupid if you ask me. Only in America can we come up with these things we never knew we needed, and apparently people are buying them.
Take for instance the computerized water bottle. They’ve come up with “the world’s first interactive water bottle.” It costs $30 and has a digital display on the side of it that tells you if you’ve had enough to drink, how many sips you’ve taken, etc. Silly me! Here I’ve been relying on my sense of thirst! I guess I’m just an amateur when it comes to self-hydration.
Another gift that personifies overkill is the SmartShopper organizer. It’s basically a high-tech grocery list. You’re supposed to mount it on the wall, speak your list into it, and it will print any of 2,500 preloaded grocery items, plus it’s customizable. (Thank goodness! I bet “Cheez-Its” and “strawberry rhubarb pie” aren’t on there yet.)
You can own this labor saving device to the tune of $149.95 plus $7.95 for extra paper refills (batteries not included). That's a lotta lettuce! Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t most people have some scrap paper and a ballpoint pen lying around? I guess the SmartShopper is for that special person who has more money than sense.
I saw a real winner recently – a water bowl for your dog that’s shaped like a miniature toilet. As if anyone would want to encourage that behavior! The catalog copy says “family and guests get a big laugh.” I guess I just don’t have the “potty humor” sensibility required to appreciate that one.
Just for future reference, the three ways that I would least wish to be awakened: by an airplane twirling in a circle with flashing lights and motor revving, with the sound of a drum solo and with the sound of a chimpanzee. All of these are actual novelty alarm clocks that are for sale. Yup, nothing says “good morning” like a wild animal shrieking in your ear. Why don’t they just skip right to fingernails on a chalkboard?
And what about a whimsical container in which to present your gift card? Talk about gilding the lily. There’s a challenging “gift card maze” puzzle on the market that’s a bit demeaning; it’s like you’re saying, “Here’s your money, but you’ll have to work for it!” And it’s made of clear plastic, so you can see what you’re trying to get at. I wonder how many of those puzzles have already ended up coming into close and intense contact with a hammer.
I do hope you got everything you wanted this year, i.e., no stupid presents. And when it comes to giving, well, we’ve all heard that it’s the thought that counts. So when Christmas rolls around next year, give some extra thought to giving these kinds of gifts – and then get them something else!
Playlist:
1. I Really Don't Want Much for Christmas – Patti Austin
2. Don't Be Stupid – Shania Twain
3. You Give Me Something – James Morrison
4. Don't Know Why – Nora Jones
5. Little Things Mean A Lot – Kitty Kallen
6. Money (That's What I Want ) – The Beatles
7. Just What I Needed – The Cars
8. (You Got To) Give It To Me – J. Geils Band
9. What Was I Thinking - Dierks Bently
10. Things I Don't Understand – Coldplay
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Sing Along with Scrooge
The other day I got an e-mail that I was leery to open at first, because it looked like one of those bad jokes that get forwarded over and over, or the latest round of predictably “aaawwww”-inspiring puppy pictures.
But it was about a parody that was supposedly performed by Julie Andrews at an AARP meeting some years ago. Geriatric lyrics had been written for the old song “My Favorite Things” from “The Sound of Music.” The lyrics were funny and clever, never mind the fact that it’s probably just a myth that Andrews ever sang them.
No matter – it nevertheless inspired me to do my own Christmas version of the same song. Even though I’m a die-hard curmudgeon, there’s always a point, usually sometime after Dec. 18 or so, that I manage to “get the Christmas spirit,” and I kvell up just thinking about the true meaning of Christmas. It’s usually right after watching “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “Miracle on 34th Street” or some such treacle. Darn it, I can’t help it!
But I’m a little bit Scrooge, too.
And with the country’s current economic problems, I seem to be having an especially hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. So sing along as you read, Knoxville, and see if you can relate to …
____________________________________________
My Unfavorite Things
Raindrops on rooftops for 13 days running
When I’d much rather have snowfall or sunning
Seems it’s been pouring since I don’t know when
This is just one of my unfavorite things
TV ads blaring their holiday bargains ***
Please change the channel or turn down the volume
I can’t afford any serious bling
This is one more of my unfavorite things
Parties and goodies expanding my bottom
Gifts I don’t care for but hey, now I got ’em
Old worn-out carols we still have to sing
These are a few of my unfavorite things
When the fruitcake comes from Grandma
When the bills appear
I try not to think of my unfavorite things
And I’ll make it to next year!
Bailouts, foreclosures, and we’re the ones paying
Not in the mood for the mall’s all I’m saying
Long lines with cell phones that constantly ring
These are a few of my unfavorite things
His ’n’ her bikes with assembly instructions
Translating Chinese to English is such fun
Soon I can’t make out my yang from my yin
This is one more of my unfavorite things
Pageants and concerts and “Sugar Plum Fairy”
So many lights in one plug that it’s scary
Then one bulb burns out and shoots the whole string
These are a few of my unfavorite things
When the reason for the season
Gets completely lost
I try to forget all my unfavorite things,
Drink egg nog and get quite sauced!
________________________________________
***
Here’s hoping you’re already filled with the Christmas spirit! Now if we can just hold on to that all through the year …
Happy Holidays to you and yours!
Playlist:
1. If We Make It Through December – Merle Haggard
2. God Give Me Strength – Elvis Costello
3. Strapped for Cash – Fountains of Wayne
4. Earn Enough for Us – XTC
5. What Do I Get? – The Buzzcocks
6. I Me Mine - The Beatles
7. Be Thankful For What You Got – William DeVaughn
8. Holiday – Jet
9. Holiday – The Subways
10. The Package – Psycho Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
But it was about a parody that was supposedly performed by Julie Andrews at an AARP meeting some years ago. Geriatric lyrics had been written for the old song “My Favorite Things” from “The Sound of Music.” The lyrics were funny and clever, never mind the fact that it’s probably just a myth that Andrews ever sang them.
No matter – it nevertheless inspired me to do my own Christmas version of the same song. Even though I’m a die-hard curmudgeon, there’s always a point, usually sometime after Dec. 18 or so, that I manage to “get the Christmas spirit,” and I kvell up just thinking about the true meaning of Christmas. It’s usually right after watching “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “Miracle on 34th Street” or some such treacle. Darn it, I can’t help it!
But I’m a little bit Scrooge, too.
And with the country’s current economic problems, I seem to be having an especially hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. So sing along as you read, Knoxville, and see if you can relate to …
____________________________________________
My Unfavorite Things
Raindrops on rooftops for 13 days running
When I’d much rather have snowfall or sunning
Seems it’s been pouring since I don’t know when
This is just one of my unfavorite things
TV ads blaring their holiday bargains ***
Please change the channel or turn down the volume
I can’t afford any serious bling
This is one more of my unfavorite things
Parties and goodies expanding my bottom
Gifts I don’t care for but hey, now I got ’em
Old worn-out carols we still have to sing
These are a few of my unfavorite things
When the fruitcake comes from Grandma
When the bills appear
I try not to think of my unfavorite things
And I’ll make it to next year!
Bailouts, foreclosures, and we’re the ones paying
Not in the mood for the mall’s all I’m saying
Long lines with cell phones that constantly ring
These are a few of my unfavorite things
His ’n’ her bikes with assembly instructions
Translating Chinese to English is such fun
Soon I can’t make out my yang from my yin
This is one more of my unfavorite things
Pageants and concerts and “Sugar Plum Fairy”
So many lights in one plug that it’s scary
Then one bulb burns out and shoots the whole string
These are a few of my unfavorite things
When the reason for the season
Gets completely lost
I try to forget all my unfavorite things,
Drink egg nog and get quite sauced!
________________________________________
***
Here’s hoping you’re already filled with the Christmas spirit! Now if we can just hold on to that all through the year …
Happy Holidays to you and yours!
Playlist:
1. If We Make It Through December – Merle Haggard
2. God Give Me Strength – Elvis Costello
3. Strapped for Cash – Fountains of Wayne
4. Earn Enough for Us – XTC
5. What Do I Get? – The Buzzcocks
6. I Me Mine - The Beatles
7. Be Thankful For What You Got – William DeVaughn
8. Holiday – Jet
9. Holiday – The Subways
10. The Package – Psycho Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Sunday, December 14, 2008
You Are Not Alone
We all know that the holidays can be especially stressful. There’s a reason that bars and liquor stores do great business this time of year!
I was just out trying to find a present for a co-worker, and after two hours I came home completely “scattered, covered and smothered.” Those of you familiar with that feeling of needing to “check out” for a while will know what I mean.
Just your average Christmas shopping fatigue? Maybe, but perhaps that’s just an excuse. Maybe it’s time to own up to the fact that I’m a member of a certain club. I didn’t have to do any paperwork to join or put my signature on some dogmatic manifesto, and I don’t have to keep a card in my wallet or put a bumper-sticker on my car. I just know I belong.
Hi, my name is Emily, and I’m a couch potato.
Few people realize that it’s now the most prevalent (if unreported) group in this country. Couch potatoes, or CoPos as I like to call us, have an addiction that’s as simple as it is irresistible. We like to relax, we like to eat, and we like to watch TV. That’s powerful stuff – especially this time of year. There are variations on that theme, but for the most part, chillin’ to the TV with food is the trifecta calling to us like the sirens’ song. “Camelback with Cheez-Its and a sitcom!” “DVR on the davenport with Ding Dongs!” “Lean Cuisine and Lifetime on the loveseat!”
From blue-collar folks to secretaries to students to CEOs, the couch potato drug does not play favorites, and if you’re not careful, it can lead to harder stuff like ignoring the snooze button altogether and lying in bed all day.
Take this short quiz to determine if you’re a CoPo. True or False:
1. After getting home from work, it takes on average less than one hour from the time you walk through the door until the time your butt is on the couch.
2. The only reason No. 1 is not true is because your family needs to be taken care of first. So you’re on the couch within, say, two hours.
3. You have shirked your job or family responsibilities in favor of lying on the couch.
4. You spend not less than 15 hours a week either sitting or lying on the couch.
5. You find yourself thinking about or looking forward to sitting or lying on the couch at least once a day.
6. You often find that you cannot get up from the couch without intense physical, mental and emotional effort.
7. You often find yourself waking up in the morning, still on the couch wearing the clothes you wore the previous day, and have no recollection of the previous evening’s events.
8. You feel guilty about lying on the couch as much as you do.
9. In the past, you have gotten out of bed only to lie down on the couch first thing in the morning.
10. A friend, family member or health professional has suggested that you cut down on your “couch potato” time.
If you answered “true” to three or more of these questions, you can be pretty sure you’re a CoPo. Being one myself, I feel your pain. The shame, the embarrassment. But don’t feel too bad – you’re one of millions. And maybe someday we can actually attend some sort of meeting to trade stories, perhaps get some treatment. Or, we could just sit back and watch the game.
Playlist:
1. Sleeping with the Television On – Billy Joel
2. Couch Potato – "Weird Al" Yankovic
3. Chained to the Couch - The Devil Makes Three
4. Gilligan's Island – The Couch Potato All-Stars
5. Couch Surfin' – The Reverend Horton Heat
6. Wasted Days and Wasted Nights – Freddy Fender
7. Sitting on my Sofa – The Kinks
8. Sit Yourself Down – Stephen Stills
9. TV – Blink 182
10. Sofa (#1 & #2) – Frank Zappa
I was just out trying to find a present for a co-worker, and after two hours I came home completely “scattered, covered and smothered.” Those of you familiar with that feeling of needing to “check out” for a while will know what I mean.
Just your average Christmas shopping fatigue? Maybe, but perhaps that’s just an excuse. Maybe it’s time to own up to the fact that I’m a member of a certain club. I didn’t have to do any paperwork to join or put my signature on some dogmatic manifesto, and I don’t have to keep a card in my wallet or put a bumper-sticker on my car. I just know I belong.
Hi, my name is Emily, and I’m a couch potato.
Few people realize that it’s now the most prevalent (if unreported) group in this country. Couch potatoes, or CoPos as I like to call us, have an addiction that’s as simple as it is irresistible. We like to relax, we like to eat, and we like to watch TV. That’s powerful stuff – especially this time of year. There are variations on that theme, but for the most part, chillin’ to the TV with food is the trifecta calling to us like the sirens’ song. “Camelback with Cheez-Its and a sitcom!” “DVR on the davenport with Ding Dongs!” “Lean Cuisine and Lifetime on the loveseat!”
From blue-collar folks to secretaries to students to CEOs, the couch potato drug does not play favorites, and if you’re not careful, it can lead to harder stuff like ignoring the snooze button altogether and lying in bed all day.
Take this short quiz to determine if you’re a CoPo. True or False:
1. After getting home from work, it takes on average less than one hour from the time you walk through the door until the time your butt is on the couch.
2. The only reason No. 1 is not true is because your family needs to be taken care of first. So you’re on the couch within, say, two hours.
3. You have shirked your job or family responsibilities in favor of lying on the couch.
4. You spend not less than 15 hours a week either sitting or lying on the couch.
5. You find yourself thinking about or looking forward to sitting or lying on the couch at least once a day.
6. You often find that you cannot get up from the couch without intense physical, mental and emotional effort.
7. You often find yourself waking up in the morning, still on the couch wearing the clothes you wore the previous day, and have no recollection of the previous evening’s events.
8. You feel guilty about lying on the couch as much as you do.
9. In the past, you have gotten out of bed only to lie down on the couch first thing in the morning.
10. A friend, family member or health professional has suggested that you cut down on your “couch potato” time.
If you answered “true” to three or more of these questions, you can be pretty sure you’re a CoPo. Being one myself, I feel your pain. The shame, the embarrassment. But don’t feel too bad – you’re one of millions. And maybe someday we can actually attend some sort of meeting to trade stories, perhaps get some treatment. Or, we could just sit back and watch the game.
Playlist:
1. Sleeping with the Television On – Billy Joel
2. Couch Potato – "Weird Al" Yankovic
3. Chained to the Couch - The Devil Makes Three
4. Gilligan's Island – The Couch Potato All-Stars
5. Couch Surfin' – The Reverend Horton Heat
6. Wasted Days and Wasted Nights – Freddy Fender
7. Sitting on my Sofa – The Kinks
8. Sit Yourself Down – Stephen Stills
9. TV – Blink 182
10. Sofa (#1 & #2) – Frank Zappa
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Dressing On The Side
OK, kids. File this under the heading of mental health. Mine, anyway!
I bet there are occasional mornings when you leave the house saying to yourself, “I really don’t care what I look like.” For me, that’s more often than not!
Of course, this isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows me. My idea of dressing up is to wear a shirt with a collar and to iron it first (well, at least the front of it). I fear I fit the description once given to Heywood Broun: “He looks like an unmade bed.”
I seem to be missing that gene of fashion sense that most other women possess. Or maybe I have it but I just use it very sparingly. … Nahhh, I’m hopeless!
Oh, there was a time when I held my own with all those other panty-hose-sheathed, twin-set-wearing, mascara-laden gals who gamely went off to work and actually “looked the look.” Is it because I’m older and wiser that I’ve stopped caring about all that? Or is it just too much trouble anymore?
Maybe so. I do count myself lucky to have a job where my outfits aren’t really an issue. Good thing, because I’m quite comfortable rebelling in my own small way against our “looks-ist” society that demands we strive to be a certain shape, have a certain hairstyle, wear certain pain-inducing footwear.
For better or worse, I long ago threw in the towel on the fashion part. Now, if anyone asks, I would probably say that the burlap sack I wear is a socio-political statement of my feminist refusal to give in to the fascism of fashion! Actually it’s because I don’t like wearing clothes that bind. (And lately, more and more of them do just that.)
As in some other areas of my life, I’ve made some difficult choices, but now I feel better having made them. Nope, ambition – whether it’s with regard to employment or fashion – ain’t for me. I’d feel like Sisyphus in high heels, damned to totter up and down the corporate ladder dragging the hellish weight of “a career wardrobe” throughout eternity.
Once you’ve taken the plunge into the pool of fashion apathy, the water feels great. It just takes a little getting used to.
Besides your mom, not many people have the guts to come out and say, “hey, why don’t you at least try to care a little bit about how you present yourself?” In Knoxville, it depends on what area of town I’m in as to whether I get that feeling of being “underdressed” even in my fanciest chinos. Like, for instance, West Town Mall. I’m a fish out of water there. But plunk me down in the Ace Hardware in Halls, and I feel right at home.
Now when it comes to makeup, I do admit to occasionally using it in some social situations. Revealing “the true me” isn’t always a good choice! But most of the time, what you see is what you get. I figure, why sell ’em a pig in a poke?
God bless the ladies who actually enjoy suiting up, putting on the makeup, spritzing on the hairspray and going out there looking like they truly give a hoot. And if it makes you feel good, more power to you! Just remember those of us Plain Janes who are quietly putting our mark on the world in our jeans and sensible shoes, and know that it’s never too late.
Playlist:
1. Fashion– David Bowie
2. You Wear It Well – Rod Stewart
3. Work Clothes – The Subdudes
4. Someone Else's Clothes – Jason Robert Brown
5. Rip Her To Shreds – Blondie
6. Come As You Are – Nirvana
7. Hi-Heel Sneakers – José Feliciano
8. The Way You Look Tonight – Frank Sinatra
9. Clothes – BarlowGirl
10. Your Gold Dress – The Dukes of Stratosphear
I bet there are occasional mornings when you leave the house saying to yourself, “I really don’t care what I look like.” For me, that’s more often than not!
Of course, this isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows me. My idea of dressing up is to wear a shirt with a collar and to iron it first (well, at least the front of it). I fear I fit the description once given to Heywood Broun: “He looks like an unmade bed.”
I seem to be missing that gene of fashion sense that most other women possess. Or maybe I have it but I just use it very sparingly. … Nahhh, I’m hopeless!
Oh, there was a time when I held my own with all those other panty-hose-sheathed, twin-set-wearing, mascara-laden gals who gamely went off to work and actually “looked the look.” Is it because I’m older and wiser that I’ve stopped caring about all that? Or is it just too much trouble anymore?
Maybe so. I do count myself lucky to have a job where my outfits aren’t really an issue. Good thing, because I’m quite comfortable rebelling in my own small way against our “looks-ist” society that demands we strive to be a certain shape, have a certain hairstyle, wear certain pain-inducing footwear.
For better or worse, I long ago threw in the towel on the fashion part. Now, if anyone asks, I would probably say that the burlap sack I wear is a socio-political statement of my feminist refusal to give in to the fascism of fashion! Actually it’s because I don’t like wearing clothes that bind. (And lately, more and more of them do just that.)
As in some other areas of my life, I’ve made some difficult choices, but now I feel better having made them. Nope, ambition – whether it’s with regard to employment or fashion – ain’t for me. I’d feel like Sisyphus in high heels, damned to totter up and down the corporate ladder dragging the hellish weight of “a career wardrobe” throughout eternity.
Once you’ve taken the plunge into the pool of fashion apathy, the water feels great. It just takes a little getting used to.
Besides your mom, not many people have the guts to come out and say, “hey, why don’t you at least try to care a little bit about how you present yourself?” In Knoxville, it depends on what area of town I’m in as to whether I get that feeling of being “underdressed” even in my fanciest chinos. Like, for instance, West Town Mall. I’m a fish out of water there. But plunk me down in the Ace Hardware in Halls, and I feel right at home.
Now when it comes to makeup, I do admit to occasionally using it in some social situations. Revealing “the true me” isn’t always a good choice! But most of the time, what you see is what you get. I figure, why sell ’em a pig in a poke?
God bless the ladies who actually enjoy suiting up, putting on the makeup, spritzing on the hairspray and going out there looking like they truly give a hoot. And if it makes you feel good, more power to you! Just remember those of us Plain Janes who are quietly putting our mark on the world in our jeans and sensible shoes, and know that it’s never too late.
Playlist:
1. Fashion– David Bowie
2. You Wear It Well – Rod Stewart
3. Work Clothes – The Subdudes
4. Someone Else's Clothes – Jason Robert Brown
5. Rip Her To Shreds – Blondie
6. Come As You Are – Nirvana
7. Hi-Heel Sneakers – José Feliciano
8. The Way You Look Tonight – Frank Sinatra
9. Clothes – BarlowGirl
10. Your Gold Dress – The Dukes of Stratosphear
