Cuckoo for Culture

If you go cuckoo for culture in K-town, you’ll have an excellent chance to see and hear tons of it this weekend. Friday and Saturday, Dec. 4-5, the Arts and Culture Alliance of Greater Knoxville will host its fifth annual Emporium Holiday Extravaganza. At the beautiful Emporium Center at 100 S. Gay Street (corner of Jackson Avenue and Gay Street), the Extravaganza will feature loads of great holiday ideas from area artists and museums. Handmade items will include home accessories, ornaments, stationery, jewelry, paintings, drawings and more.

9"x9" giclee prints of "Fish on a Leash" by Knoxville Illustrator Lesley Eaton are available at the Extravaganza. Lesley is an accomplished children's book illustrator who works with painted paper collage and mixed media. To see more of her fanciful artwork, visit her website at www.pepperedpaper.com.
Here’s a great way to kick-start your Christmas spirit this year: check out all the fantastic artwork at the Extravaganza while awaiting the downtown WIVK Christmas parade, which begins at 6:30 p.m. on Friday. Browsing is free, and there just might be some yummy holiday goodies on hand to help you get in a festive mood.

As if this feast for the eyes (and tummy!) weren’t enough, the Extravaganza is also a great way to catch live performances by some of Knoxville’s most popular groups like the Knoxville Children’s Choir, Circle Modern Dance and Smoky Mountain Harmony A Capella Show Chorus. Log onto www.knoxalliance.com for more info, schedule of performances, directions, parking, etc., or call the Alliance at 523-7543. Extravaganza hours are 11 a.m. to 9 p.m. on Friday and 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Saturday.
On the off chance that the Extravaganza can’t provide the unique present you’re looking for, you can always get that special someone a Culture Cash gift certificate good at more than 40 of Knoxville’s local arts and culture organizations. Have fun playing Santa and supporting Knoxville artists.

Playlist:
1. Arts and Crafts — Maceo Parker
2. See Me, Feel Me — The Who
3. Downtown — Petula Clark
4. Do It (‘Til You’re Satisfied) — B.T. Express
5. Get Up and Go — The Rutles
6. Right Here Right Now — Jesus Jones
7. Suddenly I See — KT Tunstall
8. It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year — Andy Williams
9. Because — The Beatles
10. The City is Here for You to Use — The Futureheads

James and John: Good as Gravy

It’s the centennial anniversary of the birth of two giants of American creativity: James Agee and Johnny Mercer.
Had they lived this long, Knoxville-born author James Agee and pop lyricist Johnny Mercer of Savannah, Ga., would have turned 100 this month.
I recently discovered something else these two southern gentlemen had in common: they both had occasion to appreciate gravy.
James Agee included some local incarnations of gravy in his 1941 book “Let Us Now Praise Famous Men.” Agee mentioned this pork-infused staple of poverty-stricken southerners as one of the “… true tastes of home.” And Johnny Mercer praised gravy in the verse to his song “Lazy Bones,” which begins “Long as there is chicken gravy on your rice, Ev’rything is nice.”
Maybe it’s because I grew up in the South, but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like gravy – myself included. And these acknowledgements of the Everyman’s ambrosia just reinforce why I so like their work.
Both Agee’s and Mercer’s words evoke images of the small-town South during the first half of the 20th century. You can almost feel the humidity and smell the magnolia blossoms in their writing.
Mercer’s lyrics don’t always speak directly to a Southern experience, but you can tell he’s from here. Most of his standards indirectly attest to his down-home roots: talk of trains, breezes, moonlight and meadows all help paint a sentimental picture of love lost or unrequited.
The miracle of saints James and John was in their storytelling of the common ground that connects all humanity. They remind us of childhood, nature, the richness of living simply and a time when no matter what else was happening, at least there was gravy on the stove. And it’s as true today as it was then – somehow everything’s the better for that.
Playlist:
1. Gravy Waltz — Oscar Peterson
2. Sharecropper’s Son — Ralph Stanley
3. That’s What I Like About the South – Phil Harris
4. Going Back to Georgia — Nanci Griffith
5. Arkansas Traveler — Michelle Shocked
6. Southland in the Springtime — Indigo Girls
7. I Wanna Go Back to Dixie — Tom Lehrer
8. Poor Old Dirt Farmer — Levon Helm
9. Good Brown Gravy — Joe Diffie
10. Feels Like Home — Bonnie Raitt

Getting the Message

With everyone texting and twittering these days, I have a feeling some kids aren’t learning proper phone etiquette anymore.

I remember as a kid being taught to answer the phone “Schoen residence, Emily Schoen speaking.” Short and sweet, direct and helpful. Not like what I hear nowadays.

Of course back then (somewhere in the mid-Paleolithic era), people had the advantage of knowing that if they were calling someone and the phone stopped ringing, it was because someone was actually on the other end. These days you’re more likely to reach someone’s answering machine than you are a real person.

That’s as much due to Caller ID as it is answering machines; we’ve all pretended we’re not home so we don’t have to talk to an unwanted caller. A hopeful “Hello!” has been replaced with this yell to whatever family member is nearest the dreaded home phone: “Don't answer! Let the machine pick up!”

Here are some tips on leaving messages:

*  Don’t assume I recognize your voice. Always identify yourself. Follow this by stating your telephone number. Many callers have assumed I have Caller ID and redial. Sadly, they’ll never hear back from me because they didn’t leave their number.

*   Don’t yell into your phone. This causes a distortion that’s like trying to make out what Peter Frampton is saying on those songs where he uses the vocoder. So much of life is distorted – I don’t need another thing that’s hard to figure out!

*   On the other hand, don’t mutter into your phone like you’ve just had a shot of Novocaine. Speak clearly and slowly. A little consideration will make life easier for everyone concerned.

*   Keep it short, and stick to the basics. For an invitation, give me the event, the date, the time and place, and any cost. I might have one of those answering machines that only allows 30-second messages.

*   Kids: answering the phone should not be a chance to show off your vocal power. Calling “Mom!” at the top of your lungs doesn’t work unless you’re on the high-dive at the swimming pool. Just put the phone down gently, walk over to mom and tell her she has a phone call. And Mom: you might want to ratchet down “Wheel of Fortune” just a bit before coming on the line.

*   And finally, a plea for sanity with regard to outgoing message greetings. We don’t really care what your favorite song is, and we shouldn’t have to sit through it before leaving our message. And if you have a child, please for God's sake don’t record your 4-year-old for your outgoing greeting. The kid may be adorable, but sometimes the phone is a business tool. Someone doesn’t want to have to hear baby-talk in order to leave a message for daddy about that job he’s getting. No? OK, well maybe they’ll just hang up and go to the next guy on the list!

Playlist:
1.   The Message - Grandmaster Flash
2.   Something to Talk About - Bonnie Raitt
3.   A Little Less Conversation - Elvis Presley
4.   Who Are You - The Who
5.  I Think I Can Hear You - Carole King
6.  Speak Softly Love - Andy Williams
7.  The Great Pretender - The Platters
8.  Meet Me Halfway - Black Eyed Peas
9.  Treat Me Right - Pat Benatar
10. I've Gotta Get a Message to You - Bee Gees

Mad about "Mad Men"

I’m a big fan of the TV drama “Mad Men.” And since I sometimes run across those tacky pop-culture magazines and entertainment blogs, I not only know the latest earth-shatteringly important activities of Kenny Chesney and Paula Abdul, I also know that I’m one of nearly 3 million people who are glued to the set every week to luxuriate in the stylish AMC original series.
What is it about this show that makes middle-class baby-boomers like me go gaga?

* Where the Boys Are: It’s about a fictitious Manhattan ad agency in the early 1960s. It’s got the most gorgeous art direction this mid-century Modern junkie has ever seen. Every detail is spot-on. You’ll think you’ve died and gone to a Heaven full of Eames chairs and George Nelson credenzas.
* Baby, It’s You: If the look of the sets isn’t enough, you can always feast your eyes on the gorgeous cast that populates them. Never mind that the awkwardly-cadenced dialogue wanders a bit aimlessly sometimes. Not since the fins on a 1960 Eldorado has something looked so good while making so little sense.

* This Magic Moment: Watching “Mad Men” reminds us of our childhoods. It’s as if the feel of the era has been washed clean with a kind of sophisticated sentimentality. And yet the mood of the show is very dark. In reality, conversations weren’t so curt and straightforward; putting a good face on everything was the rule of the day. Some hot-button issues are touched on, but never enough to make you forget that the series is essentially “Peyton Place” redux.

* Wonderful World: The series is a love letter to a time when Americans were riding the crest of a wave of innocence that would never return.
All the mistakes we were making hadn’t caught up to us yet.

There’s rampant sexism, the nonstop omnipresence of cigarettes and alcohol – but these only seem to harken back to a time when everything was just much simpler.
Truth is, that era was no better than any other. It’s just that we boomers were there, so it touches a nerve. Tune in to this dreamy hit show on Sunday nights at 10 p.m. on AMC. It’s replete with images both rose-colored and sinister, as our memories often are.
Playlist:
1. Mad Mad Me — Maria Muldaur
2. The Way We Were — Barbra Streisand
3. Lush Life — Nat “King” Cole
4. Pretty In Pink — The Psychedelic Furs
5. Rose-Colored Glasses — John Conlee
6. The Look of Love — Dusty Springfield
7. The Times of Your Life — Paul Anka
8. People Are Strange — The Doors
9. This is the Beginning of the End — Frank Sinatra
10. It’s All Over Now — The Rolling Stones

Advertising ADD

The next time you see a product displayed prominently during your favorite TV show, you can blame me. Tired of all that Pepsi, Bud Lite, and KFC showing up in your favorite sitcom? It’s because people like me have AADD (advertising attention deficit disorder).
I’m one of the growing number of TV viewers who think commercials are passé. Out of the tons of TV I watch every week, only a fraction of it is “live.” I’m too busy to waste 15 minutes per hour of TV on commercials!

Nope, I just “tape” the shows for later, with the help of a digital video recorder.
No wonder savvy advertisers use product placement to reach us folks who love to hit the fast-forward button. Live TV is so 2008!
It’s all about being able to get the latest creative content, right when you want it.

Well, that and not having to sit through all those dreadful ads.
If you’re a Comcast subscriber, make sure you take advantage of their DVR package. It will become your best friend and a time-management must-have!
If you’re a subscriber to Netflix, consider Roku as an additional source for on-demand video cravings. It’s a little box that connects your computer’s Netflix account and your TV. Choose from thousands of instant viewing titles online.

Then after you’ve had dinner and walked the dog, you can relax in front of the TV and scroll through your “queue” and watch a show completely commercial-free. Best of all, these instant selections are free with your regular subscription. Now that’s what I call innovation.

One drawback of Roku is that not many titles are current, so if you’re fanatic about a certain series, you won’t be able to access the most recent episodes. Also, the $99 price-tag may be too high for some, but my Roku has already paid for itself in the two months since I’ve had it.
Youtube.com and hulu.com lead the way in free online content. The next step in instant video gratification would be for me to get a gizmo that would turn my big flat-screen TV into a real-time monitor for those Websites.
On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t aim for that option – I’d never leave the house!

Playlist:
1. Channel Z — The B52s
2. Watching the Detectives — Elvis Costello
3. Haven’t Got Time for the Pain — Carly Simon
4. No Time — The Guess Who
5. Salesman — The Monkees
6. Who Will Buy — Oliver!
7. Love for Sale — Talking Heads
8. Save It For Later — Pete Townshend
9. Little Boxes — Pete Seeger
10. Play Me — Neil Diamond

Staycation Decadence

My Fourth of July celebration this year was all about treating myself like a rock star. By my standards, it was a wild weekend full of excess and indulgence.

How very American!
It began on Saturday with early check-in at a downtown hotel. By 12:15, some pals and I were headed to the pool with our Starbucks iced cappuccinos. Nothing short of pure extravagance must have taken complete hold of me as I grabbed not one but two big hotel beach towels on the way to a comfy chaise-lounge.
That afternoon, we splashed around like fools. Waves of tension slipped away as I paddled around in my own little clear blue slice of heaven.

I may not have looked very stylish as I first walked into the hotel with my plastic grocery bags, but my entourage and I sure enjoyed our “poor-man’s room-service” of festive food as we got ready for the KSO concert and fireworks show. Call me a rube, but there’s something about being in a nicely appointed hotel room that elevates the mundane to the spectacular. Just crank the AC and languish under a long, hot shower. Never mind the KUB bill! Add food that I wouldn’t ordinarily buy and, well, it’s not just key lime pie – it’s a vacation!
The hedonism continued down at the festival as we wandered and people-watched. I forked over $6 for a big juicy cheeseburger. Worth every penny.

We were back in the suite just as the fireworks started. We drew open the curtains and gazed happily at the pyrotechnics while feasting on fresh fruit, brie, Pepperidge Farm cookies and the knowledge of how very fortunate we were to be Americans.
Up in Washington, our legislators are doing their best to untangle old messes. In brutal faraway lands, our valiant soldiers are fighting hard in the name of democracy. And here in Knoxville, my friends and I relaxed in the lap of luxury.
Plenty of food and fun, and the time to enjoy it without fear. We are very fortunate indeed.

Playlist:
1. My Lost Weekend — Martin Newell
2. 4th of July — Shooter Jennings
3. Soak up the Sun — Sheryl Crow
4. So You Want to Be a Rock and Roll Star — The Byrds
5. Rip It Up — Little Richard
6. This Place Hotel — Michael Jackson
7. Rock ’n’ Roll Lifestyle — Cake
8. Good Day Sunshine — The Beatles
9. Holiday — Green Day
10. Fortunate Son — Creedence Clearwater Revival

Driving Me Crazy

Why can’t everyone drive like me? Not to brag, but I’ve been at it for 32-plus years, and I’ve never had an accident.
My acceptance speech at the Oscars of Driving would start with: “I’d like to thank the members of the academy, my high school driver’s ed. teacher and all the terrible drivers who are constant reminders of how not to drive.”
You, too, can win:
* Be patient. Sounds easy, but it’s hard to drive slowly when you’re about to miss the cut-off time for Shoney’s breakfast bar. Yes, the biscuits are good, but speeding isn’t worth your life (or someone else’s).

* Margin of air. Always aim for a cushion of air between your car and any other vehicle. The more the better! I prefer to maintain the length of a football field all the way around. Add another 50 yards for drivers talking on their cell phones.

* Double exposure. Headlights and turn signals are your best defense against having your chrome crumpled or worse. Turn on those headlights as soon as the sun goes down, and whenever it’s raining. It’s not about you being able to see – it’s about others being able to see you. Same goes for using your turn signals. The sooner other drivers can tell where you’re going, the better they can avoid running into you.

Profound statement of the day: I don’t think most drivers think about driving while they’re driving. In fact, some don’t seem to be thinking at all. They don’t get that they’re piloting a potentially lethal 2-ton weapon on wheels.
If my luck holds out, no one will be confirming that theory for me any time soon.
Playlist:
1. She Drives Me Crazy — Fine Young Cannibals
2. Life Is A Highway — Tom Cochrane
3. Drive My Car — The Beatles
4. Damn This Traffic Jam — James Taylor
5. Stay Away — Nirvana
6. Driving My Life Away — Eddie Rabbitt
7. Drive — Joe 90
8. Nice ‘n’ Easy — Frank Sinatra
9. Driver 8 — R.E.M.
10. See Me, Feel Me — The Who

If You Need Me, I'll Call You

I hate cell phones. So pardon me if I’m cranky towards all the people walking around with them permanently attached to their heads. I just don’t get it!
Back when there were only “land lines,” my biggest headache was telemarketers calling me during dinner. When the answering machine was invented, I could avoid that nuisance by “letting the machine pick up.” All was right with the world.

Then came the cell phone. On my stress-buster list, No. 2 (after winning the lottery) would be throwing my cell phone off the nearest cliff. I only got it for emergencies. Yet somehow it’s become something I’m supposed to carry all the time. Remember being able to say “I’m on vacation. You won’t be able to reach me ’til the 10th?” Selective unavailability should be one of the hallmarks of a civilized culture.
I might sound like a crazy old lady, but I cherish my “me-time,” don’t you?

Just hearing everybody’s loud, silly ringtones is enough to drive you nuts. A friend tells me that mine is a manic little version of Chopin’s “Etude in Gb Major, Opus 10, No. 5.” Sort of sounds like a toy piano on speed. How, she wonders, would Chopin feel about that? Is he spinning around in his grave, his restless spirit urging me to put my cell on vibrate?
And while we’re at it, I wonder how Mr. Beethoven would feel knowing that one of his greatest symphonies is now known to most as the theme to “Judge Judy.” But I digress. …
You know what happens when you opt not to answer your cell phone. The caller leaves a voicemail message, and once the little box starts beeping and flashing, I dare the strongest of you not to grab the darn thing and start punching in your access code. We can’t resist the temptation to hear what’s on there! We’re slaves to this tiny rectangular ball-and-chain. And we get charged extra for retrieving messages. As I listen to the relentlessly perky instructions of the voicemail monitor in the sky, I’m thinking, “why am I doing this?”
A different awful: the person who doesn’t answer their cell phone when you call. This results in your having to leave a detailed message, only to have the person call you back within seconds of your hanging up. Again, the cell phone companies seem to be the only winners here.
From what I can see, cell phones are looking less like communication and more like a drug.
Why does everyone seem to have this insatiable need to be constantly connected to someone else? Could it be that they are stuck in a habit of nonawareness, unable to see or experience the world firsthand? Apparently we can’t just sit and enjoy a peaceful sunny afternoon under a tree. We need to check in with work. We need to describe the tree to our Facebook friends. We need to make sure someone else does something as promised. Anything but being in the here and now. I’d hate to think that people have decided to save time by just discarding that concept altogether.
Maybe if we all weren’t so busy calling each other, we could really keep in touch – with reality, that is.

Playlist:
1. Don’t Call Us - We’ll Call You — Sugarloaf
2. How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away — Dan Hicks & His Hot Licks
3. Ring-A-Ding Ding — Frank Sinatra
4. Call and Answer —Barenaked Ladies
5. Hanging on the Telephone — Blondie
6. Quiet Nights — Diana Krall
7. No Phone — Cake
8. Little Red Light — Fountains of Wayne
9. Telephone Line — ELO
10. Call Me — Al Green

The Need to Read

Don’t you just love settling down in a big comfy chair and escaping into a really good book? The hours just fly by!
I’ve enjoyed reading ever since I was a teenager, devouring some heavy hitters just for the fun of it. There was a while there in junior high that I felt like Hermann Hesse had written “Steppenwolf” expressly for me (I know – me and a million other kids)!
Books are such good friends! I like the way they look, I like how the stories stick with me, I even like the way they smell. It’s a sad fact folks aren’t reading as much anymore. Watching TV is easier, and the Internet is faster, but I don’t think Web sites or digital readers will ever take the place of a good old solid book you can hold in your hands.

That said, I admit I’ve gotten lazy in my old age, and sometimes I lose patience with the time it takes to get through a novel. So I don’t even start!
"How ’bout some cheese with that whine?"
Having to work for a living doesn’t help. 9 to 5 pretty much exhausts most of my brain cells, which start yelling “Please don’t make me work anymore!” At that point, an episode of “Jeopardy” is about all I can handle.
I guess I shouldn’t think of reading as learning. If I thought of it as entertainment, it wouldn’t be so hard to make time for it.

And then there’s eyestrain. I have some vision problems, and reading isn’t easy for me. I won’t go into details, but basically the muscles in my eyes don’t work well together. Not very conducive to relaxing reading! Some days are especially hard on my eyes (driving, bright sunlight, computer work), and by the time I’m home, concentrating on printed words is the last thing I want to do.
I have great respect for books and the people who read and write them. And I don’t think you can pound home too strongly the importance of parents reading to young kids and getting them interested in reading on their own as soon as possible.
I also think the world would be a dark and horrible place without our public libraries. They’re there for everybody, and they don’t cost a dime!
Still, sometimes reading is like a golf game: it takes an awfully long time to get to the good parts. But just having books around makes me feel good, like knowing it’s a sunny day even though I can’t be outside enjoying it.
Maybe I don’t read much because I like it too much! When I let myself get sucked in by a good book, it’s all I can think about until I’ve turned the last page, and then I’m sorry it’s over. It’s an emotional roller coaster! And I can do a mountain of procrastinating in the time it takes me to digest a 500-page yarn, so then I feel guilty and self-indulgent. Plus there’s that fear of commitment thing.
I think I need therapy to deal with my reading issues! I’m sure someone’s written a book about that.

Playlist:
1. The Book I Read – Talking Heads
2. Turn The Page – Bob Seger
3. Book of Love – Dar Williams
4. The Book of My Life – Sting
5. The Story of Her Love – Seals & Crofts
6. Novel – Tim Williams
7. Read My Mind – The Killers
8. Doctor My Eyes – Jackson Browne
9. The Book I’m Not Reading – Patty Larkin
10. At The Library – Green Day

Mass distraction

We haven’t even been in this so-called recession for very long (is it time to leave off the “so-called” yet?), but I’m already tired of conversations starting with the phrase “in these tough economic times.” For better or worse, it’s a reality that experts say we’re going to have to get used to.
Case in point: I’ve used the same Capital One credit card for years and have never been late on a payment. And yet they suddenly informed me they’re doubling my interest rate.
My first reaction was, “What did I do to deserve this?!”

Answer: nothing. It’s just that even the solvent banks are freaking out and want to cover their butts. Like I heard the other day: a low tide pulls down all the boats.
With each hard-earned greenback being stretched to the limit, all of us little guys have begun to think twice about things we always used to take for granted, like vacations and cable TV. “In these tough economic times,” we ponder whether it’s really worth it.
For me, what’s worth it is something that makes me feel good on a really deep-down, emotional level; budget and convenience are still factors, but relaxation and entertainment certainly aren’t luxuries. “In these tough economic times,” they mean even more than ever!
Feeding the soul often means re-living a childhood memory or experience.

A friend of mine recently went online to track down his favorite childhood soft drink, plunking down plenty for the delivery of a full case of grape Nehi in the original glass bottles. It doesn’t get any more sentimental than that! Another pal pulled out the old boat for a tranquil afternoon on the lake –good bang for the buck!
Remember the scene in “Shawshank Redemption” where they drink beer on the roof? That’s the feeling we’re talking about here. It’s freedom, it’s memory. It’s powerful stuff.
Some folks get all warm and fuzzy replacing old VHS favorites with DVDs and downloading digital versions of near-forgotten vinyl LPs. As for me, I’ve had a craving lately for meatloaf the way Mama used to make it, and I just might search it out. The idea here is to do whatever it is that transports you back to that place of safety and serenity.
I haven’t followed baseball for many years (unless you count every October). But something about spring training makes me once again long for the boys of summer. For three hours or so, I can banish deficits and layoffs completely from my consciousness. I know it’s an extravagance. I know about the steroid use and the obscenely high player contracts. But baseball is still a terrific game that’s stayed essentially the same since I was a kid. Maybe I’ll see you at a Smokies game when the season starts in earnest. It’d be the perfect antidote to reality.

Playlist:
1. Get Used To It – Roger Voudouris
2. Sign ‘O’ the Times – Prince
3. Low Budget – The Kinks
4. I'm Busted – Ray Charles and The Count Basie Orchestra
5. Hard Times – Queen Latifah
6. I Got Plenty o’ Nuttin’ – Sammy Davis, Jr.
7. Turn Back the Hands of Time – Tyrone Davis
8. Memories – Elvis Presley
9. There’s A Place – The Beatles
10. Cowboy Take Me Away – The Dixie Chicks

Annoying Array Augments Angst

Here’s something that makes no sense to me.
I go out to the drugstore for a new toothbrush. All I want is a simple, straight toothbrush with bristles on one end and a handle on the other. No such luck!

I can buy one with a super-contoured ergonomic grip, one with three kinds of specialized bristles, a collapsing one, an electrified spinning one, one that rotates, one for kids, one that’s flavored, one that’s concave to fit around the teeth, practically every kind of toothbrush short of one that stands up and sings Dixie and actually brushes your teeth for you.
But I’m here to tell you that you cannot find one that’s plain. Just a handy piece of plastic that, although simple in design, will become your best friend after a long night of popcorn and Coke.
I’m standing there at the drugstore in front of the wall of toothbrushes and think to myself, “only in America can something so easy become so difficult.” Apparently, a tried and true product that does what it’s supposed to do (and nothing more) is too much to ask for in this fancy-fied day and age.
I mean come on, folks – are we this lazy? Can we not move our wrist back and forth and agitate the bristles ourselves? Is it really too much to have to hold onto a toothbrush without having to push onto a little thumb-guard on the stem, or a nubbly, rubberized area on the handle?

I, for one, was fine using a brush without these features for 40-some-odd years, and I don’t need extra help now. Plus, with all these “improvements,” my new toothbrush won’t fit into the slot of the bathroom fixture for which it was designed.
I wouldn’t mind so much if I could choose between those advanced toothbrushes and the plain ones. But somewhere along the line, the plain toothbrush has gone the way of the dodo. It’s not to be found, and believe me, I’ve looked!
I’m sure it’s all about the money. The toothbrush-makers have figured out that if they make one that looks more complicated, they can charge more money for it! But the marketing geniuses forgot one thing. Some people like their toothbrushes the old way!

Now dentists are even in on the scam. I went for my six-month check-up, and sure enough, the toothbrush they handed me on my way out was one of the new-fangled ones. I handed it back, asking in dismay, “what happened to good ol’ Oral-B 40?”
Back in the glory days, that’s what dentists always recommended. It was the workhorse of the pros, the Chevy of oral care. Now they only offer Cadillacs, and I don’t need one.
I guess I’m just old-fashioned, but for clean teeth, I don’t need flashy or mechanical implements. Next thing you know, they’ll start selling motorized floss.
Playlist:
1. The Hard Way – James Hunter
2. Give Me The Simple Life – Rosemary Clooney
3. I’m Old-Fashioned – Ella Fitzgerald
4. Just One Look – Doris Troy
5. Can’t Buy Me Love – The Beatles
6. Things Ain’t Like They Used To Be – The Black Keys
7. Simple Man – Graham Nash
8. Old School – John Conlee
9. Straight Up – Paula Abdul
10. Simply Irresistible – Robert Palmer

Past Imperfectly Perfect

There’s a certain managing editor at the Shopper-News who recently tipped me off to an old game show that’s re-run on the Game Show Network every morning at 3 a.m.: “What’s My Line?” I’ve programmed my Comcast digital video recorder to automatically record every episode while I sleep. I can then watch it at my convenience, usually the following evening.
Little did I know that I’d become completely hooked on this show! I’ve got it bad. Let me tell you why.
Games shows of the ’50s and early ’60s were the reality shows of their day. If you want to see the way real people looked and acted back then, here it is, encapsulated into a half-hour history lesson. I find it fascinating. You baby boomers out there may even remember seeing these shows the first time they aired!
If you’re not familiar with the “What’s My Line?” format, contestants answer “yes or no” questions so that a panel can determine their occupation. Ten “no” answers meant the player won the game. The prize? A now-paltry $50. Imagine someone today competing on a game show for even 10 times that! Nowadays, there always has to be more money, the chance of a grand prize, the possibility of getting the big bucks. The low prize amount on “What’s My Line?” was a novel idea: the money was secondary to the fun of just playing the game. And it’s quaintly low-tech; contestants sign in on a chalkboard, and when a point is earned, the moderator hand-flips over a cardboard sign. No laser-light show, no music blaring. Aaahhhh … can you hear me sighing nostalgically?
Refreshing, too, is the slow pacing of the show, which is in marked contrast to today’s “I need it yesterday” media deluge. There’s a sort of dignified grace to the way the people move, the way they finish thoughts before moving on to the next ones, and – most importantly – the style with which they articulate those thoughts.
Everyone on the show from members of congress to plumbers is refined and respectful. Some contestants may not have college educations, but they are still well-informed and capable of speaking clearly and coherently. Compare that to something current like “American Idol” – a show that’s about as subtle as a hand-grenade in a bowl of oatmeal. “What’s My Line?” proves that TV shows could be intelligent as well as entertaining. I really miss that!
Another thing I love about “What’s My Line?” is the panel, usually comprised of three regulars and a guest. The regulars include newspaper columnist Dorothy Kilgallen, actress Arlene Francis, and publisher Bennett Cerf, and they’re as personable, witty and erudite a group of folks as you could ever hope to find!
But look closely and you’ll see something else about those panelists that you wouldn’t see today. Take Arlene Francis, for instance. Right now, I’m watching a close-up shot of her, and I’m seeing something … what in the world? I’m not sure, but I think it may actually be … a wrinkle! A frown line, a laugh line, call it what you will. And her fellow panelists have equally normal qualities like non-plastic-surgery-type faces, receding hairlines and gaps in their teeth. Hallelujah! A program that shows the way people really look and doesn’t make an issue out of it!
Botox? Not on this show! Whitening strips? Never heard of ’em. Warts and all, these people held substance over style, and in so doing managed to maintain a true sense of style that went beyond the surface. They had class – naturally. And they aged – naturally. What a concept!
And whereas irony and insult now rule the airwaves, it’s nice to see lines delivered with kind regard and absolutely no guile. While I don’t advocate living in the past, can you blame me for escaping for a half hour or so into this kinder, gentler “alternate universe”?

Playlist:
1. Those Were The Days – Mary Hopkin
2. Games People Play – The Spinners
3. Imitation of Life – R.E.M.
4. Playing The Game – Gentle Giant
5. The Way Love Used To Be – The Kinks
6. Just the Way You Are – Billy Joel
7. Work 'n' Play – The Zombies
8. It's All In the Game – Tommy Edwards
9. For Free – Joni Mitchell
10. Even Better Than the Real Thing – U2

Who's The Boss?

We don’t have any kids, unless you count the four-legged kind. Pets are supposed to make you live longer and be happier, but sometimes I wonder who’s really in charge! I may pay the mortgage, but the pets actually own the place.
We’ve got a dog and three cats. Annie, our 13-year-old malamute/German shepherd mix, is still feisty and spry. Every night right after her supper, Annie requires a walk. And I mean rain or shine, sleet or snow, it doesn’t matter. Skipping her walk is not an option. She’s got us trained! One time we tried to calculate how many miles we’d walked with Annie over the past decade or more, and we figured it comes out to about 4,000. That’s a whole lotta sniffing and … so forth!

Every night, she marks her territory, leaving her scent at strategic points in our neighborhood like we humans check our e-mail. Approaching a bush of particular significance, it’s like Annie’s saying to us, “Hey! Max came by! Good ol’ Max. Let me just leave a message for him right quick. …”
For a year or so now, the only thing that will pre-empt Annie’s walk is an electrical storm. We finally broke down and got her some “doggie angst” pills to calm her jitters, but not before one stormy night that she actually crawled up onto the bed and tried to wedge her whole body between two pillows. This is a 70-pound dog, folks! It was an interesting night, but we all survived.

Annie will eat whenever and whatever possible. Doesn’t matter how gross it is – she’ll be tugging along at her leash, snarf up some horrible rotten thing and worry about its digestibility later (fun evenings). One time, she even got into some ant traps we had set in (we thought) hard-to-reach places. She turned out OK.
In the kitchen, it’s understood that anything that hits the floor is fair game. Although we don’t give her table scraps, let’s just say she “pre-rinses” the dirty dishes. It’s gotten so that she feels hurt if we don’t put a plate down for her to lick clean when we’re done (like if the food was spicy). But all it takes is a motherly scratch behind the ears and all is well.
Some might say that this dog is spoiled. We don’t think so – just because she has six beds (three that are exclusively hers), a temperature-controlled “day room,” and all-day access to a fenced pen. OK, I guess she found herself a couple of suckers!
Three felines round out our furry household complement: one older tortoise-shell sweetie, and two 6-year-old siblings whom we’ll forever refer to as “the kittens.”
The female, Ellie, is half her brother’s size but has at least twice his brain-power. She’s a little black scamp who gets her way by meowing as though she were criminally deprived – works every time. We call Ellie our own little Visa card – she’s “everywhere you want to be!”

Ellie’s gray, obese brother, Ernest T., is the poster-boy for the phrase “scaredy cat” and will run squeaking at the slightest sound. We’ve had pet-sitters to whom he literally did not show himself for a week. When we enter a room, he skitters off, and we imagine him saying if he could talk, “Help! That jacket you’re wearing scares me,” or “Aaack! The sound of your stocking feet is terrifying!”

Foibles aside, all our critters are endlessly entertaining and precious. Pick my favorite? How could a mother possibly do that? With all their faults, they’re my babies, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
Well, maybe the fat, stupid one I could live without, but somebody’s gotta love him, right?

Playlist:
1. Pads, Paws and Claws – Elvis Costello
2. Walking the Dog – Rufus Thomas
3. That Smell – Lynyrd Skynyrd
4. Day In - Day Out – Frank Sinatra
5. Treat Her Right – Otis Redding
6. I Was Made to Love Her – Stevie Wonder
7. Martha My Dear – The Beatles
8. All Night Thing – Temple of the Dog
9. Cat People (Putting Out Fire) – David Bowie
10. Spoiled – Joss Stone

You Shouldn't Have!

Did you get a dumb Christmas gift this year? I didn’t, but I do get several catalogs in the mail that I’ve noticed offer some of the silliest items I’ve ever seen. Some are downright stupid if you ask me. Only in America can we come up with these things we never knew we needed, and apparently people are buying them.

Take for instance the computerized water bottle. They’ve come up with “the world’s first interactive water bottle.” It costs $30 and has a digital display on the side of it that tells you if you’ve had enough to drink, how many sips you’ve taken, etc. Silly me! Here I’ve been relying on my sense of thirst! I guess I’m just an amateur when it comes to self-hydration.
Another gift that personifies overkill is the SmartShopper organizer. It’s basically a high-tech grocery list. You’re supposed to mount it on the wall, speak your list into it, and it will print any of 2,500 preloaded grocery items, plus it’s customizable. (Thank goodness! I bet “Cheez-Its” and “strawberry rhubarb pie” aren’t on there yet.)
You can own this labor saving device to the tune of $149.95 plus $7.95 for extra paper refills (batteries not included). That's a lotta lettuce! Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t most people have some scrap paper and a ballpoint pen lying around? I guess the SmartShopper is for that special person who has more money than sense.

I saw a real winner recently – a water bowl for your dog that’s shaped like a miniature toilet. As if anyone would want to encourage that behavior! The catalog copy says “family and guests get a big laugh.” I guess I just don’t have the “potty humor” sensibility required to appreciate that one.
Just for future reference, the three ways that I would least wish to be awakened: by an airplane twirling in a circle with flashing lights and motor revving, with the sound of a drum solo and with the sound of a chimpanzee. All of these are actual novelty alarm clocks that are for sale. Yup, nothing says “good morning” like a wild animal shrieking in your ear. Why don’t they just skip right to fingernails on a chalkboard?
And what about a whimsical container in which to present your gift card? Talk about gilding the lily. There’s a challenging “gift card maze” puzzle on the market that’s a bit demeaning; it’s like you’re saying, “Here’s your money, but you’ll have to work for it!” And it’s made of clear plastic, so you can see what you’re trying to get at. I wonder how many of those puzzles have already ended up coming into close and intense contact with a hammer.
I do hope you got everything you wanted this year, i.e., no stupid presents. And when it comes to giving, well, we’ve all heard that it’s the thought that counts. So when Christmas rolls around next year, give some extra thought to giving these kinds of gifts – and then get them something else!

Playlist:
1. I Really Don't Want Much for Christmas – Patti Austin
2. Don't Be Stupid – Shania Twain
3. You Give Me Something – James Morrison
4. Don't Know Why – Nora Jones
5. Little Things Mean A Lot – Kitty Kallen
6. Money (That's What I Want ) – The Beatles
7. Just What I Needed – The Cars
8. (You Got To) Give It To Me – J. Geils Band
9. What Was I Thinking - Dierks Bently
10. Things I Don't Understand – Coldplay

Sing Along with Scrooge

The other day I got an e-mail that I was leery to open at first, because it looked like one of those bad jokes that get forwarded over and over, or the latest round of predictably “aaawwww”-inspiring puppy pictures.

But it was about a parody that was supposedly performed by Julie Andrews at an AARP meeting some years ago. Geriatric lyrics had been written for the old song “My Favorite Things” from “The Sound of Music.” The lyrics were funny and clever, never mind the fact that it’s probably just a myth that Andrews ever sang them.
No matter – it nevertheless inspired me to do my own Christmas version of the same song. Even though I’m a die-hard curmudgeon, there’s always a point, usually sometime after Dec. 18 or so, that I manage to “get the Christmas spirit,” and I kvell up just thinking about the true meaning of Christmas. It’s usually right after watching “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “Miracle on 34th Street” or some such treacle. Darn it, I can’t help it!
But I’m a little bit Scrooge, too.

And with the country’s current economic problems, I seem to be having an especially hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. So sing along as you read, Knoxville, and see if you can relate to …
____________________________________________
My Unfavorite Things
Raindrops on rooftops for 13 days running
When I’d much rather have snowfall or sunning
Seems it’s been pouring since I don’t know when
This is just one of my unfavorite things

TV ads blaring their holiday bargains ***
Please change the channel or turn down the volume
I can’t afford any serious bling
This is one more of my unfavorite things

Parties and goodies expanding my bottom
Gifts I don’t care for but hey, now I got ’em
Old worn-out carols we still have to sing
These are a few of my unfavorite things

When the fruitcake comes from Grandma
When the bills appear
I try not to think of my unfavorite things
And I’ll make it to next year!

Bailouts, foreclosures, and we’re the ones paying
Not in the mood for the mall’s all I’m saying
Long lines with cell phones that constantly ring
These are a few of my unfavorite things

His ’n’ her bikes with assembly instructions
Translating Chinese to English is such fun
Soon I can’t make out my yang from my yin
This is one more of my unfavorite things

Pageants and concerts and “Sugar Plum Fairy”
So many lights in one plug that it’s scary
Then one bulb burns out and shoots the whole string
These are a few of my unfavorite things

When the reason for the season
Gets completely lost
I try to forget all my unfavorite things,
Drink egg nog and get quite sauced!
________________________________________
***

Here’s hoping you’re already filled with the Christmas spirit! Now if we can just hold on to that all through the year …
Happy Holidays to you and yours!

Playlist:
1. If We Make It Through December – Merle Haggard
2. God Give Me Strength – Elvis Costello
3. Strapped for Cash – Fountains of Wayne
4. Earn Enough for Us – XTC
5. What Do I Get? – The Buzzcocks
6. I Me Mine - The Beatles
7. Be Thankful For What You Got – William DeVaughn
8. Holiday – Jet
9. Holiday – The Subways
10. The Package – Psycho Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

You Are Not Alone

We all know that the holidays can be especially stressful. There’s a reason that bars and liquor stores do great business this time of year!

I was just out trying to find a present for a co-worker, and after two hours I came home completely “scattered, covered and smothered.” Those of you familiar with that feeling of needing to “check out” for a while will know what I mean.

Just your average Christmas shopping fatigue? Maybe, but perhaps that’s just an excuse. Maybe it’s time to own up to the fact that I’m a member of a certain club. I didn’t have to do any paperwork to join or put my signature on some dogmatic manifesto, and I don’t have to keep a card in my wallet or put a bumper-sticker on my car. I just know I belong.
Hi, my name is Emily, and I’m a couch potato.

Few people realize that it’s now the most prevalent (if unreported) group in this country. Couch potatoes, or CoPos as I like to call us, have an addiction that’s as simple as it is irresistible. We like to relax, we like to eat, and we like to watch TV. That’s powerful stuff – especially this time of year. There are variations on that theme, but for the most part, chillin’ to the TV with food is the trifecta calling to us like the sirens’ song. “Camelback with Cheez-Its and a sitcom!” “DVR on the davenport with Ding Dongs!” “Lean Cuisine and Lifetime on the loveseat!”

From blue-collar folks to secretaries to students to CEOs, the couch potato drug does not play favorites, and if you’re not careful, it can lead to harder stuff like ignoring the snooze button altogether and lying in bed all day.

Take this short quiz to determine if you’re a CoPo. True or False:
1. After getting home from work, it takes on average less than one hour from the time you walk through the door until the time your butt is on the couch.
2. The only reason No. 1 is not true is because your family needs to be taken care of first. So you’re on the couch within, say, two hours.
3. You have shirked your job or family responsibilities in favor of lying on the couch.
4. You spend not less than 15 hours a week either sitting or lying on the couch.
5. You find yourself thinking about or looking forward to sitting or lying on the couch at least once a day.
6. You often find that you cannot get up from the couch without intense physical, mental and emotional effort.
7. You often find yourself waking up in the morning, still on the couch wearing the clothes you wore the previous day, and have no recollection of the previous evening’s events.
8. You feel guilty about lying on the couch as much as you do.
9. In the past, you have gotten out of bed only to lie down on the couch first thing in the morning.
10. A friend, family member or health professional has suggested that you cut down on your “couch potato” time.

If you answered “true” to three or more of these questions, you can be pretty sure you’re a CoPo. Being one myself, I feel your pain. The shame, the embarrassment. But don’t feel too bad – you’re one of millions. And maybe someday we can actually attend some sort of meeting to trade stories, perhaps get some treatment. Or, we could just sit back and watch the game.

Playlist:
1. Sleeping with the Television On – Billy Joel
2. Couch Potato – "Weird Al" Yankovic
3. Chained to the Couch - The Devil Makes Three
4. Gilligan's Island – The Couch Potato All-Stars
5. Couch Surfin' – The Reverend Horton Heat
6. Wasted Days and Wasted Nights – Freddy Fender
7. Sitting on my Sofa – The Kinks
8. Sit Yourself Down – Stephen Stills
9. TV – Blink 182
10. Sofa (#1 & #2) – Frank Zappa

Dressing On The Side

OK, kids. File this under the heading of mental health. Mine, anyway!
I bet there are occasional mornings when you leave the house saying to yourself, “I really don’t care what I look like.” For me, that’s more often than not!

Of course, this isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows me. My idea of dressing up is to wear a shirt with a collar and to iron it first (well, at least the front of it). I fear I fit the description once given to Heywood Broun: “He looks like an unmade bed.”
I seem to be missing that gene of fashion sense that most other women possess. Or maybe I have it but I just use it very sparingly. … Nahhh, I’m hopeless!

Oh, there was a time when I held my own with all those other panty-hose-sheathed, twin-set-wearing, mascara-laden gals who gamely went off to work and actually “looked the look.” Is it because I’m older and wiser that I’ve stopped caring about all that? Or is it just too much trouble anymore?
Maybe so. I do count myself lucky to have a job where my outfits aren’t really an issue. Good thing, because I’m quite comfortable rebelling in my own small way against our “looks-ist” society that demands we strive to be a certain shape, have a certain hairstyle, wear certain pain-inducing footwear.
For better or worse, I long ago threw in the towel on the fashion part. Now, if anyone asks, I would probably say that the burlap sack I wear is a socio-political statement of my feminist refusal to give in to the fascism of fashion! Actually it’s because I don’t like wearing clothes that bind. (And lately, more and more of them do just that.)
As in some other areas of my life, I’ve made some difficult choices, but now I feel better having made them. Nope, ambition – whether it’s with regard to employment or fashion – ain’t for me. I’d feel like Sisyphus in high heels, damned to totter up and down the corporate ladder dragging the hellish weight of “a career wardrobe” throughout eternity.
Once you’ve taken the plunge into the pool of fashion apathy, the water feels great. It just takes a little getting used to.
Besides your mom, not many people have the guts to come out and say, “hey, why don’t you at least try to care a little bit about how you present yourself?” In Knoxville, it depends on what area of town I’m in as to whether I get that feeling of being “underdressed” even in my fanciest chinos. Like, for instance, West Town Mall. I’m a fish out of water there. But plunk me down in the Ace Hardware in Halls, and I feel right at home.

Now when it comes to makeup, I do admit to occasionally using it in some social situations. Revealing “the true me” isn’t always a good choice! But most of the time, what you see is what you get. I figure, why sell ’em a pig in a poke?
God bless the ladies who actually enjoy suiting up, putting on the makeup, spritzing on the hairspray and going out there looking like they truly give a hoot. And if it makes you feel good, more power to you! Just remember those of us Plain Janes who are quietly putting our mark on the world in our jeans and sensible shoes, and know that it’s never too late.

Playlist:
1. Fashion– David Bowie
2. You Wear It Well – Rod Stewart
3. Work Clothes – The Subdudes
4. Someone Else's Clothes – Jason Robert Brown
5. Rip Her To Shreds – Blondie
6. Come As You Are – Nirvana
7. Hi-Heel Sneakers – José Feliciano
8. The Way You Look Tonight – Frank Sinatra
9. Clothes – BarlowGirl
10. Your Gold Dress – The Dukes of Stratosphear