Sound and Fury

I’m a patient woman. I usually weigh the consequences before doing anything. Will my plan injure anyone? Will it improve anything?
Regardless, there comes a time when you have to take a stand to maintain your sanity.
Noise pollution is common in my neighborhood. Garbage trucks bang Dumpsters, tractor-trailers squeal to a halt and clank up through their gears to regain speed, and motorcyclists treat my street like a drag strip.

Lawn mowers, weed-eaters, leaf-blowers and chain saws all punctuate the underlying din. And I’m never far away from an intrusive car stereo blaring out some horrible thumping noise.
But these are nothing compared to the mystery alarm.
A nearby alarm had been going off intermittently for what seemed like a year. Sometimes at dusk, sometimes at 3 a.m., sometimes when the weather changed, sometimes when it didn’t. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to it. And since it only lasted 10 minutes or so (just enough to ruin a good night’s sleep), I was never able to get up, get dressed and try to pinpoint its source before it stopped. I tried questioning some area businesses, and people looked at me like I was crazy.
You’re probably saying to yourself, “Just get over it!” But you have to understand – this was no ordinary alarm. It sounded like a feral cat’s tail was being squashed repeatedly in front of amplifiers big enough to blast through Thompson-Boling Arena. This alarm penetrated my ear plugs like a battering ram through drywall. This alarm made you wonder if we weren’t being alerted to foreign invasion. This alarm had a soul, and it was evil.
Last Saturday, I was reading on my back porch when it reared its ugly head again, and after awhile I thought, “This is it. I’m going to get to the bottom of this.”
I frantically grabbed my keys, got in the car and went flying down the road trying to catch it in the act. Making some wrong turns, I got closer and closer to the source of the deafening noise.

Mystery solved: it was a church! Call me feisty, but I didn’t care if it was the Notre Dame cathedral, I was going to try and get someone to stop that alarm before I got a shotgun and did it myself!
I found the church’s Web site and looked up the pastor’s home number. I left a message. Then I reached the associate minister, letting him listen to the alarm through the phone. He agreed it was pretty annoying and vowed to look into it.

I haven't heard it since. Keep your fingers crossed. For now, at least, I’m enjoying the divine sound of silence.
Playlist:
1. Rock n’ Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution — AC/DC
2. Ring the Alarm — Beyoncé
3. Make It Stop — Soulphonic Soundsystem
4. Don’t Bother Me — The Beatles
5. Hush — Deep Purple
6. God Give Me Strength — Elvis Costello
7. On The Road to Find Out — Cat Stevens
8. Quiet Nights of Quiet Stars — Andy Williams
9. You Don’t Have to Cry — Crosby Stills & Nash
10. The Sound of Silence — Simon and Garfunkel

I've Got a Feeling

We’ve all had days when even the simplest task is like pulling teeth. Your air conditioner breaks down. You run out of milk. You’re late to work. Admittedly, these aren’t earth-shaking events, but they’re just enough to make you feel like everything’s working against you. It’s like a metaphysical burr has stuck itself in your side and won’t let go.
I call that feeling ickiness.

Some days it seems like the whole world has it. People’s tempers flare, everyone seems to be at odds with one another and folks who are normally mild-mannered fly off the handle like a rusty hatchet.
I’m beginning to think that if we get enough of those spiky little burrs in enough sides, there might be some real damage done. Take the woman over here cursing into her cellphone and the man over there ignoring his child’s cries – they’ll surely spill over into another situation and turn it sour.
Issues big or small can bring on ickiness and send my smile packing. It can be health-care reform or the cat shedding all over me. It’s not easy to keep stuff like that from eating at me. And once my attitude gets maladjusted, I’m just a hop, skip and a jump away from inflicting my hissy fit onto someone else.

Blame our short fuses on the stressed-out economy, the phase of the moon, a random solar flare, maybe some monetary-electro-magnetic super-snafu.

For all we know, ickiness may just be a part of the natural order of things, and the cosmic pendulum will swing back over to peachy-keen at any moment or at least lean more towards OK.
If we look at history, we’ll see that the world has gone through untold numbers of rough patches and come through alright. I believe all this ickiness is just a phase and that we’ll all feel much better soon. I have to believe that!
In the meantime, let’s all try and be nice to each other. We’re all in this together.

Playlist:
1. I’m Down — The Beatles
2. Bad Moon Rising — Creedence Clearwater Revival
3. You Can’t Always Get What You Want — The Rolling Stones
4. Your Good Girl’s Gonna Go Bad — Tammy Wynette
5. A Good Run of Bad Luck — Clint Black
6. Don’t Feel Bad — Rascal Flatts
7. New Attitude — Patti LaBelle
8. Smile Again — Manhattan Transfer
9. Get Together — The Youngbloods
10. What a Wonderful World — Louis Armstrong

Flexing Memory Muscles

I think my age has caught up with my intellect. More frequently than ever, I find myself walking into a room and suddenly thinking to myself, “now why did I come in here?”

You’ve heard of putting a string around your finger to help you remember something? Once I did that and couldn’t for the life of me remember why that string was there!
I’m constantly writing myself little notes; otherwise I lose stuff amongst the crowded cobwebs of my multitasking mind.

They say that self-imposed cerebral challenges help you keep your mental edge. My favorite brain-power booster is the New York Times crossword puzzle. I subscribe online and print out a bunch at one time so I can use any down-time to stretch my synapses with a verbal workout.
For the uninitiated, each day of the week features a slightly more difficult crossword puzzle. Monday’s is fairly easy.

Saturday’s is for brainiacs. Sunday’s has about the same degree of difficulty as a Thursday, only it’s bigger.
I don’t think I’ve finished more than a half-dozen or so Wednesday puzzles. But that doesn’t mean I stop trying!

And delving into the etymology of those unfamiliar words and phrases can be a great history lesson. And talk about puns! Some puzzles are chock-full of brilliantly constructed witticisms. My neurons are firing faster just thinking about them.

There are tricks to improving your solutions. By doing the crosswords regularly, I’ve gotten to know the most often-used letters and the arcane words they form.
Words unique to crossword puzzles are interesting to know, but they don’t help much in social situations. In my experience, the word “apse” has never come up in conversation. And when was the last time you heard the name Theda Bara mentioned outside of a crossword puzzle? Or Pola Negri? Or Mel Ott?
No, crosswords definitely won’t get me any dates. They’re solitary exercises between me and my own gray matter, which I can hopefully keep in better shape as a result.
Now, if I could just remember where I put that folder full of puzzles!
Playlist:
1. Crossword Puzzle — Sly & The Family Stone
2. Words — Bee Gees
3. The Letter — Joe Cocker
4. Saturday’s Child — The Monkees
5. Sunday Morning — The Velvet Underground
6. My Friend, the Dictionary — The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
7. Crossword Puzzle — Roberta Alexander
8. Play The Game — Queen
9. The Word — The Beatles
10. Remember — Billie Holiday

You Only Live Twice

Lately, I’ve been living twice: once during the day, and then again at night, when I should be sleeping.
I enjoy a daytime life with all the usual ups and downs. Then at about 4 a.m., I wake up, and my second life begins. My thoughts start to rev up, and it’s hard to gear them back down. If my brain were a car, I’d definitely say it’s idling high.
Most nights I replay a tape of the previous day, and when that one is over, I play one that rehearses how I’m going to do things the next day. Over and over, I find myself repeating and reviewing the minutiae of life, and before I know it, I have to get up and actually live it for real!

You’d think that all that thinking would benefit me somehow. But in truth, there are very few times that I get any real insights during this nighttime activity. I do get the realization that if it keeps up, I’ll need to start going to bed earlier to make up for lost sleep!
I guess that stress is at the root of all my mental meanderings. But I’m not going to wish for less stress! After all, my wish might come true, and then where would I be? Lonely? Jobless? No, better to try and find ways to cope with the life I have. After all, it ain’t all that bad, but I do only need one for now!

Playlist:
1. You Only Live Twice — Nancy Sinatra
2. It’s My Life — The Animals
3. Playground in My Mind — Clint Holmes
4. Too Much to Think About — The B52’s
5. Living In the Past — Jethro Tull
6. Do That To Me One More Time — The Captain and Tennile
7. Nothing New — Ashlee Simpson
8. What’ll I Do — Frank Sinatra
9. The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight — R.E.M.
10. Life During Wartime — Talking Heads

The Need to Read

Don’t you just love settling down in a big comfy chair and escaping into a really good book? The hours just fly by!
I’ve enjoyed reading ever since I was a teenager, devouring some heavy hitters just for the fun of it. There was a while there in junior high that I felt like Hermann Hesse had written “Steppenwolf” expressly for me (I know – me and a million other kids)!
Books are such good friends! I like the way they look, I like how the stories stick with me, I even like the way they smell. It’s a sad fact folks aren’t reading as much anymore. Watching TV is easier, and the Internet is faster, but I don’t think Web sites or digital readers will ever take the place of a good old solid book you can hold in your hands.

That said, I admit I’ve gotten lazy in my old age, and sometimes I lose patience with the time it takes to get through a novel. So I don’t even start!
"How ’bout some cheese with that whine?"
Having to work for a living doesn’t help. 9 to 5 pretty much exhausts most of my brain cells, which start yelling “Please don’t make me work anymore!” At that point, an episode of “Jeopardy” is about all I can handle.
I guess I shouldn’t think of reading as learning. If I thought of it as entertainment, it wouldn’t be so hard to make time for it.

And then there’s eyestrain. I have some vision problems, and reading isn’t easy for me. I won’t go into details, but basically the muscles in my eyes don’t work well together. Not very conducive to relaxing reading! Some days are especially hard on my eyes (driving, bright sunlight, computer work), and by the time I’m home, concentrating on printed words is the last thing I want to do.
I have great respect for books and the people who read and write them. And I don’t think you can pound home too strongly the importance of parents reading to young kids and getting them interested in reading on their own as soon as possible.
I also think the world would be a dark and horrible place without our public libraries. They’re there for everybody, and they don’t cost a dime!
Still, sometimes reading is like a golf game: it takes an awfully long time to get to the good parts. But just having books around makes me feel good, like knowing it’s a sunny day even though I can’t be outside enjoying it.
Maybe I don’t read much because I like it too much! When I let myself get sucked in by a good book, it’s all I can think about until I’ve turned the last page, and then I’m sorry it’s over. It’s an emotional roller coaster! And I can do a mountain of procrastinating in the time it takes me to digest a 500-page yarn, so then I feel guilty and self-indulgent. Plus there’s that fear of commitment thing.
I think I need therapy to deal with my reading issues! I’m sure someone’s written a book about that.

Playlist:
1. The Book I Read – Talking Heads
2. Turn The Page – Bob Seger
3. Book of Love – Dar Williams
4. The Book of My Life – Sting
5. The Story of Her Love – Seals & Crofts
6. Novel – Tim Williams
7. Read My Mind – The Killers
8. Doctor My Eyes – Jackson Browne
9. The Book I’m Not Reading – Patty Larkin
10. At The Library – Green Day

Mass distraction

We haven’t even been in this so-called recession for very long (is it time to leave off the “so-called” yet?), but I’m already tired of conversations starting with the phrase “in these tough economic times.” For better or worse, it’s a reality that experts say we’re going to have to get used to.
Case in point: I’ve used the same Capital One credit card for years and have never been late on a payment. And yet they suddenly informed me they’re doubling my interest rate.
My first reaction was, “What did I do to deserve this?!”

Answer: nothing. It’s just that even the solvent banks are freaking out and want to cover their butts. Like I heard the other day: a low tide pulls down all the boats.
With each hard-earned greenback being stretched to the limit, all of us little guys have begun to think twice about things we always used to take for granted, like vacations and cable TV. “In these tough economic times,” we ponder whether it’s really worth it.
For me, what’s worth it is something that makes me feel good on a really deep-down, emotional level; budget and convenience are still factors, but relaxation and entertainment certainly aren’t luxuries. “In these tough economic times,” they mean even more than ever!
Feeding the soul often means re-living a childhood memory or experience.

A friend of mine recently went online to track down his favorite childhood soft drink, plunking down plenty for the delivery of a full case of grape Nehi in the original glass bottles. It doesn’t get any more sentimental than that! Another pal pulled out the old boat for a tranquil afternoon on the lake –good bang for the buck!
Remember the scene in “Shawshank Redemption” where they drink beer on the roof? That’s the feeling we’re talking about here. It’s freedom, it’s memory. It’s powerful stuff.
Some folks get all warm and fuzzy replacing old VHS favorites with DVDs and downloading digital versions of near-forgotten vinyl LPs. As for me, I’ve had a craving lately for meatloaf the way Mama used to make it, and I just might search it out. The idea here is to do whatever it is that transports you back to that place of safety and serenity.
I haven’t followed baseball for many years (unless you count every October). But something about spring training makes me once again long for the boys of summer. For three hours or so, I can banish deficits and layoffs completely from my consciousness. I know it’s an extravagance. I know about the steroid use and the obscenely high player contracts. But baseball is still a terrific game that’s stayed essentially the same since I was a kid. Maybe I’ll see you at a Smokies game when the season starts in earnest. It’d be the perfect antidote to reality.

Playlist:
1. Get Used To It – Roger Voudouris
2. Sign ‘O’ the Times – Prince
3. Low Budget – The Kinks
4. I'm Busted – Ray Charles and The Count Basie Orchestra
5. Hard Times – Queen Latifah
6. I Got Plenty o’ Nuttin’ – Sammy Davis, Jr.
7. Turn Back the Hands of Time – Tyrone Davis
8. Memories – Elvis Presley
9. There’s A Place – The Beatles
10. Cowboy Take Me Away – The Dixie Chicks

Mental Floss

Last week I wrote about having the winter blues and joked about taking a trip to a tropical island to feel better. But let’s admit it – here in the real world, very few of us have that option.

That’s why you have to get creative when it comes to cleaning out those cranial cobwebs!
How about breaking away from your workaday routine by simply doing something different during the time you have off from your job? If you always watch the same old TV shows, try renting a DVD or joining the kids for a video game (if they’ll let you). You might like it so much that you make it a regular family event.

Don’t overlook low-tech activities like board games, cards and puzzles. They’re tried and true, and they still work even if the electricity goes out. Say that’s an idea: spend an evening pretending there’s no power; you’ll see things in a new light.
When I’m in a rut, one of my favorite things is to rearrange the furniture. This can be as simple as switching out some seating, tables or pictures. Or, for an all-out change-of-pace, try picking out a new paint color for that boring guestroom. It’s amazing how little time it takes to truly transform your space. And it’s much more fun than just “spring cleaning!”
Sometimes we get so caught up with providing for others that we forget to be good to ourselves. I’ll bet there’s something that’s always made you feel good in times of loneliness, depression or just plain burn-out. Set aside some time to do that thing. If you used to play the guitar, pull it out and strum a few chords. If you’ve always loved to swim, check out a fitness center with an indoor pool. Sit back with a cup of tea and read that mystery novel you’ve heard about.
Of course, the handiest cure for us working folk is the weekend road trip. The closer the better, because you don’t want to waste precious hours of your mini-vacation stuck in interstate traffic.

You can avoid the cost of lodging by employing the time-honored tradition of mooching. Most of us know someone with a place where we could stay. If not a friend, perhaps a friend of a friend, or an acquaintance, or a relative of an acquaintance. Maybe call in a favor. You get the idea. Just be sure you don’t trash the place.

Last weekend I borrowed a cabin up on Norris Lake. Even though nothing was expected, etiquette required me to leave a bottle of wine, a little cash to cover utilities and more in the fridge than when I got there. I also tidied up, sweeping and taking my garbage with me. That way I was able to leave with not only a sense of renewed energy and centeredness, but also a sense that I would be welcome back. Everybody wins!
Playlist:
1. Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Eydie Gorme & Steve Lawrence
2. I’ve Got That Old Feeling – Alison Krauss
3. Make It Easy On Yourself – Jerry Butler
4. Vacation – The Go-Gos
5. It Won’t Be Long – The Beatles
6. Summer Me, Winter Me – Barbra Streisand
7. Let’s Get Away From It All – Frank Sinatra
8. Cabin In The Sky – Rosemary Clooney
9. Borrow Some Summertime – Jim Lauderdale
10. Someone Keeps Moving My Chair – They Might Be Giants

Dim Sun Serves Up Sadness

The official start of spring may be March 21, but I’m not feeling it yet!
Right about now, it seems like winter will never end. I blame my blues on the cold temps and cloudy skies. It feels like my neck is permanently squinched up from huddling against the chills. In short, there’s nothing wrong with me that a good full-body massage and a couple of weeks in the Caribbean wouldn’t fix right up!

I think there’s some truth to the idea that wintertime itself is what’s bringing me down. Seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, is a type of depression characterized by wintertime weight gain, fatigue, craving for sweet and starchy foods, and tendency to oversleep.
According to experts, the likely culprit is lack of sunlight.
Scandinavians are prone to SAD, as are Alaskans. The further you get from the equator, the weaker the sunlight is, and in the winter when the sun is farthest from the Earth, that extra distance is all it takes to push you over the edge and into a first-rate funk.

You can buy a fancy light box and sit near it (but don’t look directly at it). Just as good: go outside and soak up some sun! If it’s February and you’re having trouble concentrating, stop squinting at your computer, stand up, get outside and turn your chin up to the sky for 10 minutes or so. And moving around while you’re out there won’t hurt either. If you’re feeling down and out, don’t go postal; take a brisk 10-minute walk and kick-start those endorphins into action!
It’s no surprise that many northerners head to Florida every winter. I’ve heard them referred to as snowbirds. Although there’s also a lucky contingent that live up in the land of the Yankees in the summer and fall, stay in Florida for the winter and stop somewhere in Appalachia for a few months – or the rest of their lives – to enjoy our awe-inspiring springs. I call them halfbacks.
Various pop songs have made reference to SAD. I’ll now paraphrase some lines from an old chestnut:
“Gray skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face
(I know you miss that big bright ball of warmth that used to be up in the sky. Try not to dwell on the fact that it’s colder outside than a brass commode in an igloo.)
Brush off the clouds and cheer up, put on a happy face
(Goodness – I actually don’t need to wear a scarf today! Hey, the dog has started shedding again. And are those crocuses I see budding up through the snow?)
… and spread sunshine all over the place, just put on a happy face!”
(When you smile, you can be the sunshine in someone else’s day! Alternately, you can put them on a plane to a Miami hotel with spa service and a mini-bar. Your call!)
Playlist:
1. Sometimes in Winter – Blood Sweat & Tears
2. Seasons in the Sun – Me First & the Gimme Gimmes
3. Hazy Shade of Winter – Simon & Garfunkel
4. Too Cold in the Winter – Cry of Love
5. Invisible Sun – The Police
6. In the Winter – Janis Ian
7. Cold Day in the Sun – Foo Fighters
8. I’ll Follow the Sun – The Beatles
9. The Warmth of the Sun – The Beach Boys
10. Florida – Patty Griffin

Waking Up Is Hard to Do

I like sleeping. I'm talking ten, eleven hours a night if I can get it. Maybe it's a sad commentary on my social life, but usually when someone asks me to go out with them at night, I say, "Nope. Sorry – I've got a date with the insides of my eyelids." And like all fantastic dates you've ever been on, the hardest part is when it's over.
Experts say sleeping is good for you, and doesn't that work out nicely for me! They say it helps your body cleanse itself of the day's stress, revitalizing your blood-cells and re-oxygenating your brain. For me, it just feels good!

Years ago I had a job that I had to be at by 6 a.m. This meant I had to turn in at about 8 p.m. every night – not a good way to fill up your dance card. Getting up was torture, and much as I enjoyed the work, it wasn't too long before I was updating my resumé.
If you ask me, the alarm clock is one of the most devious inventions known to Man, a Pandora's Box of regimentation. Waking up before your body is naturally inclined to is just plain wrong. It sets you up for all kinds of other unhealthy practices like commuting and working 40+ hours a week. And arising before the break of dawn is just unnatural. God invented the perfect wake-up call: sunrise. Why go against His divine plan and jump the gun on daybreak? It's inhuman, and in Emily's perfect world, no one would have to do it.

I guess I could be going too far in the other direction though, because every morning with the help of ear-plugs and black-out curtains, I rest happily in the arms of Morpheus until a) my dreams gently awaken me, or b) the cat gingerly extends an outstretched paw onto my face – not always with claws retracted. She knows and respects my morning sleep-in time, but a cat's gotta do what a cat's gotta do. We've worked out a compromise: every night she stakes out a spot on the bed and curls up fairly motionless until I stir, and I agree not to roll over onto her.

I'm here to tell you those black-out curtains can be dangerous; I try to remember to leave them open a few inches, or the next thing I know, it's noon out in the real world and I'm still sawing logs in the inky blackness of my comfy cocoon. But that's unusual for me. Most of the time, I'm up and around at the crack of ten.
I know it doesn't put me on anyone's Most Exciting People list, but I say, "now that's living!" I'm not a party animal, staying up until the wee hours every night. I just happen to be in touch with my circadian rhythm.

Speaking of dreams, morning ones are the best, aren't they? The wacky ones that have you doing the tango in your old elementary school washroom with your ex-fiancé while life-sized animated cut-outs of your boss and Mick Jagger look on. I tell you, it's a better cranial work-out than any pharmaceutical could provide, and there's no co-pay.
Right after a good morning sleep-in is the best time for creative ideas, the ones that hit you like a lightning-strike and have you really thinking outside the box. Maybe because all your tiny synapses have had time to recharge and make new and different neural connections. The trick at that point is to write down those brilliant thoughts and move on to the perhaps banal but nevertheless vital task of getting up and in turn, God willing, making a living.
If I occasionally over-sleep, well, it's one of the few vices I have left, unless you count a weakness for Shoney's breakfast bar. Now that's a good reason to get out of bed!
Playlist:
1. Sleeping In – The Postal Service
2. I Like to Sleep Late in the Morning – David Bromberg Band
3. Dream Dream Dream – Everly Brothers
4. You Can Close Your Eyes – James Taylor
5. Golden Slumbers – The Beatles
6. Dream – The Pied Pipers
7. Hung Upon a Dream – The Zombies
8. I Like Dreamin' – Kenny Nolan
9. When It's Sleepy Time Down South – Louis Armstrong
10. Oh, What a Beautiful Morning – Ray Charles

Countdown to Ecstasy

No, that headline isn’t just the title of an old Steely Dan album. It’s my idea of when I can stop worrying about the way I look. How much longer? I think it’d be a great thing to know, a handy mental countdown to have in place.

For instance, say I decide that my cut-off age for giving a crap is 70. I could comfort myself with the thought that in 22 short years, French fries and I will no longer have to be strangers. Come on red meat and milkshakes! No more worrying about trans-fat or calories! Ahhhh, sweet relief.
Because I will say this right now, and without apology: I’m tired of not being able to remember the last time I had a cheeseburger.
And it’s not just what I eat or don’t eat. I’d love to just throw away all my make-up, too. And a hairstyle like Demi Moore’s character in “G.I. Jane” sure would be easier to take care of.
This plan may not work for you, though. You’d have to be OK being categorized as a “crazy old fat lady.” No problem there!
But say you have a spouse. You don’t want to let yourself go to pot if your other half might decide you’re not good enough anymore and that they could do better elsewhere. Or you may want to preserve the classy picture you and your mate present as a couple. If you’ve set yourself up to be the local Victoria and David Beckham, you better not let the team down, at least not without some warning.
Maybe the two of you could make a pact to look fabulous together for a while, and then coordinate your “give a crap cut-off date” so that you’ll both poof out at the same time. Make it like an anniversary! Then ride off into the sunset together.

You might scoff at this scenario for health reasons. By all means, if you actually like jogging, well, you’re one of the lucky ones. No cut-off date for you!
I’m just saying that if I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do for 70 years or so, led a fairly good life and have no immediate family or friends who would miss me so badly when I’m gone that they’d begrudge me a little happiness in my golden years, why the heck shouldn’t I loosen up a little?
Look, if it’s my conscious decision to become a big lump on the face of society, then so be it. This is America! I don’t really have to keep on checking the mirror until the day they lay me down in the cold, cold ground, do I? Because I’m definitely hearing a distinct ticking sound. ...

Playlist:
1. Sweet Surrender – Sarah McLachlan
2. Give In – Amy Ray
3. Got to Give It Up – Marvin Gaye
4. I Don't Care Anymore – Phil Collins
5. Why I Try to Look So Bad – Comet Gain
6. If I Didn't Care – The Ink Spots
7. Let Me Let Go – Faith Hill
8. Someday Soon – The Doors
9. Why Should I Care? – Diana Krall
10. Surrender – Cheap Trick

Sing Along with Scrooge

The other day I got an e-mail that I was leery to open at first, because it looked like one of those bad jokes that get forwarded over and over, or the latest round of predictably “aaawwww”-inspiring puppy pictures.

But it was about a parody that was supposedly performed by Julie Andrews at an AARP meeting some years ago. Geriatric lyrics had been written for the old song “My Favorite Things” from “The Sound of Music.” The lyrics were funny and clever, never mind the fact that it’s probably just a myth that Andrews ever sang them.
No matter – it nevertheless inspired me to do my own Christmas version of the same song. Even though I’m a die-hard curmudgeon, there’s always a point, usually sometime after Dec. 18 or so, that I manage to “get the Christmas spirit,” and I kvell up just thinking about the true meaning of Christmas. It’s usually right after watching “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “Miracle on 34th Street” or some such treacle. Darn it, I can’t help it!
But I’m a little bit Scrooge, too.

And with the country’s current economic problems, I seem to be having an especially hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. So sing along as you read, Knoxville, and see if you can relate to …
____________________________________________
My Unfavorite Things
Raindrops on rooftops for 13 days running
When I’d much rather have snowfall or sunning
Seems it’s been pouring since I don’t know when
This is just one of my unfavorite things

TV ads blaring their holiday bargains ***
Please change the channel or turn down the volume
I can’t afford any serious bling
This is one more of my unfavorite things

Parties and goodies expanding my bottom
Gifts I don’t care for but hey, now I got ’em
Old worn-out carols we still have to sing
These are a few of my unfavorite things

When the fruitcake comes from Grandma
When the bills appear
I try not to think of my unfavorite things
And I’ll make it to next year!

Bailouts, foreclosures, and we’re the ones paying
Not in the mood for the mall’s all I’m saying
Long lines with cell phones that constantly ring
These are a few of my unfavorite things

His ’n’ her bikes with assembly instructions
Translating Chinese to English is such fun
Soon I can’t make out my yang from my yin
This is one more of my unfavorite things

Pageants and concerts and “Sugar Plum Fairy”
So many lights in one plug that it’s scary
Then one bulb burns out and shoots the whole string
These are a few of my unfavorite things

When the reason for the season
Gets completely lost
I try to forget all my unfavorite things,
Drink egg nog and get quite sauced!
________________________________________
***

Here’s hoping you’re already filled with the Christmas spirit! Now if we can just hold on to that all through the year …
Happy Holidays to you and yours!

Playlist:
1. If We Make It Through December – Merle Haggard
2. God Give Me Strength – Elvis Costello
3. Strapped for Cash – Fountains of Wayne
4. Earn Enough for Us – XTC
5. What Do I Get? – The Buzzcocks
6. I Me Mine - The Beatles
7. Be Thankful For What You Got – William DeVaughn
8. Holiday – Jet
9. Holiday – The Subways
10. The Package – Psycho Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Dressing On The Side

OK, kids. File this under the heading of mental health. Mine, anyway!
I bet there are occasional mornings when you leave the house saying to yourself, “I really don’t care what I look like.” For me, that’s more often than not!

Of course, this isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows me. My idea of dressing up is to wear a shirt with a collar and to iron it first (well, at least the front of it). I fear I fit the description once given to Heywood Broun: “He looks like an unmade bed.”
I seem to be missing that gene of fashion sense that most other women possess. Or maybe I have it but I just use it very sparingly. … Nahhh, I’m hopeless!

Oh, there was a time when I held my own with all those other panty-hose-sheathed, twin-set-wearing, mascara-laden gals who gamely went off to work and actually “looked the look.” Is it because I’m older and wiser that I’ve stopped caring about all that? Or is it just too much trouble anymore?
Maybe so. I do count myself lucky to have a job where my outfits aren’t really an issue. Good thing, because I’m quite comfortable rebelling in my own small way against our “looks-ist” society that demands we strive to be a certain shape, have a certain hairstyle, wear certain pain-inducing footwear.
For better or worse, I long ago threw in the towel on the fashion part. Now, if anyone asks, I would probably say that the burlap sack I wear is a socio-political statement of my feminist refusal to give in to the fascism of fashion! Actually it’s because I don’t like wearing clothes that bind. (And lately, more and more of them do just that.)
As in some other areas of my life, I’ve made some difficult choices, but now I feel better having made them. Nope, ambition – whether it’s with regard to employment or fashion – ain’t for me. I’d feel like Sisyphus in high heels, damned to totter up and down the corporate ladder dragging the hellish weight of “a career wardrobe” throughout eternity.
Once you’ve taken the plunge into the pool of fashion apathy, the water feels great. It just takes a little getting used to.
Besides your mom, not many people have the guts to come out and say, “hey, why don’t you at least try to care a little bit about how you present yourself?” In Knoxville, it depends on what area of town I’m in as to whether I get that feeling of being “underdressed” even in my fanciest chinos. Like, for instance, West Town Mall. I’m a fish out of water there. But plunk me down in the Ace Hardware in Halls, and I feel right at home.

Now when it comes to makeup, I do admit to occasionally using it in some social situations. Revealing “the true me” isn’t always a good choice! But most of the time, what you see is what you get. I figure, why sell ’em a pig in a poke?
God bless the ladies who actually enjoy suiting up, putting on the makeup, spritzing on the hairspray and going out there looking like they truly give a hoot. And if it makes you feel good, more power to you! Just remember those of us Plain Janes who are quietly putting our mark on the world in our jeans and sensible shoes, and know that it’s never too late.

Playlist:
1. Fashion– David Bowie
2. You Wear It Well – Rod Stewart
3. Work Clothes – The Subdudes
4. Someone Else's Clothes – Jason Robert Brown
5. Rip Her To Shreds – Blondie
6. Come As You Are – Nirvana
7. Hi-Heel Sneakers – José Feliciano
8. The Way You Look Tonight – Frank Sinatra
9. Clothes – BarlowGirl
10. Your Gold Dress – The Dukes of Stratosphear