Annoying Array Augments Angst

Here’s something that makes no sense to me.
I go out to the drugstore for a new toothbrush. All I want is a simple, straight toothbrush with bristles on one end and a handle on the other. No such luck!

I can buy one with a super-contoured ergonomic grip, one with three kinds of specialized bristles, a collapsing one, an electrified spinning one, one that rotates, one for kids, one that’s flavored, one that’s concave to fit around the teeth, practically every kind of toothbrush short of one that stands up and sings Dixie and actually brushes your teeth for you.
But I’m here to tell you that you cannot find one that’s plain. Just a handy piece of plastic that, although simple in design, will become your best friend after a long night of popcorn and Coke.
I’m standing there at the drugstore in front of the wall of toothbrushes and think to myself, “only in America can something so easy become so difficult.” Apparently, a tried and true product that does what it’s supposed to do (and nothing more) is too much to ask for in this fancy-fied day and age.
I mean come on, folks – are we this lazy? Can we not move our wrist back and forth and agitate the bristles ourselves? Is it really too much to have to hold onto a toothbrush without having to push onto a little thumb-guard on the stem, or a nubbly, rubberized area on the handle?

I, for one, was fine using a brush without these features for 40-some-odd years, and I don’t need extra help now. Plus, with all these “improvements,” my new toothbrush won’t fit into the slot of the bathroom fixture for which it was designed.
I wouldn’t mind so much if I could choose between those advanced toothbrushes and the plain ones. But somewhere along the line, the plain toothbrush has gone the way of the dodo. It’s not to be found, and believe me, I’ve looked!
I’m sure it’s all about the money. The toothbrush-makers have figured out that if they make one that looks more complicated, they can charge more money for it! But the marketing geniuses forgot one thing. Some people like their toothbrushes the old way!

Now dentists are even in on the scam. I went for my six-month check-up, and sure enough, the toothbrush they handed me on my way out was one of the new-fangled ones. I handed it back, asking in dismay, “what happened to good ol’ Oral-B 40?”
Back in the glory days, that’s what dentists always recommended. It was the workhorse of the pros, the Chevy of oral care. Now they only offer Cadillacs, and I don’t need one.
I guess I’m just old-fashioned, but for clean teeth, I don’t need flashy or mechanical implements. Next thing you know, they’ll start selling motorized floss.
Playlist:
1. The Hard Way – James Hunter
2. Give Me The Simple Life – Rosemary Clooney
3. I’m Old-Fashioned – Ella Fitzgerald
4. Just One Look – Doris Troy
5. Can’t Buy Me Love – The Beatles
6. Things Ain’t Like They Used To Be – The Black Keys
7. Simple Man – Graham Nash
8. Old School – John Conlee
9. Straight Up – Paula Abdul
10. Simply Irresistible – Robert Palmer