Beep! Beep! Back 'er on up!

How many of you women out there are like me? You’re 40-something and you never really had to worry about gaining weight before. But you’re starting to see more “junk in the trunk” if you will, a noticeable increase in the square footage of your hind-ways real estate. Boy can I relate! If I had my own bluegrass group, I’d call us “The Saggy Bottom Girls."

I’ve always been a little “hippy” (to put it nicely), but in the last year or so, well, I’d say that the pudge factor is now officially out of control.
Of course that coincides with the time I’ve been working at the Shopper-News.
Coincidence? I think not. I don’t want to point fingers, but maybe it has something to do with how every Thursday a certain co-worker in the graphics department takes it upon herself to purvey the most dastardly delicious sweets I’ve ever sucked down. No, let’s face it, “Ms. X” is not tying me down and forcing her baked goods down my throat; I know I could say “no,” but I choose not to. And she’s certainly not responsible for all the carbs I foist upon myself all the rest of the time.

No, I’d rather blame my decelerating metabolism. I don’t eat any more brownies than I ever did. It’s just that now the same amount of calories turns directly into little fat cells. They don’t pass go, they don’t collect $200. That, and the fact that more often than not, I can be found sitting on the very derriere that I complain about.
Since I have a tendency to feel better if I can give a name to whatever self-involved situation I’m in, I felt compelled to research whether I might actually have a valid excuse for getting more plump. Of course, if you look hard enough, you can explain away just about any human failing.
Turns out that in the parlance of those who study these things, I’m a cross between an endomorph (pear-shaped and soft), and a mesomorph (average-built and well-muscled). Just in case you’re wondering, the third body type is ectomorph (small-boned and skinny) – a group to which I’ve never belonged.
At any rate, us endomorphs find it harder to lose weight, even when we diet and exercise. Apparently that’s just a fact. We’re tallish and our bones are large, but we tend towards the fat as opposed to the muscular. We generally have a tougher time getting ripped at the gym, and we’ll have a tougher time recovering from all that holiday over-indulgence.
To make matters worse, my being a woman “of a certain age” means that I need fewer calories because I’m burning less of them. So it’s a one-two punch that simply means this: if I don’t watch out, my butt could soon require its own zip code.

What cruel hand of fate ramps up my craving for things like peanut butter fudge brownies while simultaneously slowing down my metabolism to the point that it seems as if all I have to do to gain weight is to simply look at one of them? My current theme song: “I Am Woman, Hear Me Whine.”
I like to think of myself as an efficiency expert, always looking for the best and easiest way to do things, the most logical fix for a problem or challenge. If I can do something in six steps, I’m not going to take 12. But what if that’s just a convenient excuse to stay lazy? What if solving this problem actually means expending more energy (or maybe eating only one serving of chicken and dumplings at a time)? Could my present plight actually call for a sea change in my way of thinking? Have I hit bottom yet (no pun intended) with this expanding posterior of mine?
Big fat “Duh”: being overweight can only be “fixed” by eating less and exercising more – regardless of one’s body type.
That may be stating the obvious, but here’s the rub: I have to decide that it’s worth the trouble. I have to start eating less like I’m prepping for some improbable worldwide famine and, instead, ponder what my good friend who is much more in shape says: “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.”
Well, that’s one woman’s opinion, and I know she means well. I’m just not quite convinced.
Playlist:
1. So Round, So Firm, So Fully Packed – Merle Travis
2. Bell Bottom Blues – Derek & The Dominos
3. Flight of the Cosmic Hippo – Bela Fleck & The Flecktones
4. Miles Behind – Medeski Scofield Martin & Wood
5. Bigger Situation – Leo Kottke
6. Hippy Hippy Shake - Swinging Blue Jeans
7. (She's Got A Butt) Bigger Than the Beatles – Cletus T. Judd
8. Funky Butt – Mississippi John Hurt
9. Behind Reality– Oriental Jazz
10. The End – The Doors