Why can’t everyone drive like me? Not to brag, but I’ve been at it for 32-plus years, and I’ve never had an accident.
My acceptance speech at the Oscars of Driving would start with: “I’d like to thank the members of the academy, my high school driver’s ed. teacher and all the terrible drivers who are constant reminders of how not to drive.”
You, too, can win:
* Be patient. Sounds easy, but it’s hard to drive slowly when you’re about to miss the cut-off time for Shoney’s breakfast bar. Yes, the biscuits are good, but speeding isn’t worth your life (or someone else’s).
* Margin of air. Always aim for a cushion of air between your car and any other vehicle. The more the better! I prefer to maintain the length of a football field all the way around. Add another 50 yards for drivers talking on their cell phones.
* Double exposure. Headlights and turn signals are your best defense against having your chrome crumpled or worse. Turn on those headlights as soon as the sun goes down, and whenever it’s raining. It’s not about you being able to see – it’s about others being able to see you. Same goes for using your turn signals. The sooner other drivers can tell where you’re going, the better they can avoid running into you.
Profound statement of the day: I don’t think most drivers think about driving while they’re driving. In fact, some don’t seem to be thinking at all. They don’t get that they’re piloting a potentially lethal 2-ton weapon on wheels.
If my luck holds out, no one will be confirming that theory for me any time soon.
Playlist:
1. She Drives Me Crazy — Fine Young Cannibals
2. Life Is A Highway — Tom Cochrane
3. Drive My Car — The Beatles
4. Damn This Traffic Jam — James Taylor
5. Stay Away — Nirvana
6. Driving My Life Away — Eddie Rabbitt
7. Drive — Joe 90
8. Nice ‘n’ Easy — Frank Sinatra
9. Driver 8 — R.E.M.
10. See Me, Feel Me — The Who
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
You Only Live Twice
Lately, I’ve been living twice: once during the day, and then again at night, when I should be sleeping.
I enjoy a daytime life with all the usual ups and downs. Then at about 4 a.m., I wake up, and my second life begins. My thoughts start to rev up, and it’s hard to gear them back down. If my brain were a car, I’d definitely say it’s idling high.
Most nights I replay a tape of the previous day, and when that one is over, I play one that rehearses how I’m going to do things the next day. Over and over, I find myself repeating and reviewing the minutiae of life, and before I know it, I have to get up and actually live it for real!
You’d think that all that thinking would benefit me somehow. But in truth, there are very few times that I get any real insights during this nighttime activity. I do get the realization that if it keeps up, I’ll need to start going to bed earlier to make up for lost sleep!
I guess that stress is at the root of all my mental meanderings. But I’m not going to wish for less stress! After all, my wish might come true, and then where would I be? Lonely? Jobless? No, better to try and find ways to cope with the life I have. After all, it ain’t all that bad, but I do only need one for now!
Playlist:
1. You Only Live Twice — Nancy Sinatra
2. It’s My Life — The Animals
3. Playground in My Mind — Clint Holmes
4. Too Much to Think About — The B52’s
5. Living In the Past — Jethro Tull
6. Do That To Me One More Time — The Captain and Tennile
7. Nothing New — Ashlee Simpson
8. What’ll I Do — Frank Sinatra
9. The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight — R.E.M.
10. Life During Wartime — Talking Heads
I enjoy a daytime life with all the usual ups and downs. Then at about 4 a.m., I wake up, and my second life begins. My thoughts start to rev up, and it’s hard to gear them back down. If my brain were a car, I’d definitely say it’s idling high.
Most nights I replay a tape of the previous day, and when that one is over, I play one that rehearses how I’m going to do things the next day. Over and over, I find myself repeating and reviewing the minutiae of life, and before I know it, I have to get up and actually live it for real!
You’d think that all that thinking would benefit me somehow. But in truth, there are very few times that I get any real insights during this nighttime activity. I do get the realization that if it keeps up, I’ll need to start going to bed earlier to make up for lost sleep!
I guess that stress is at the root of all my mental meanderings. But I’m not going to wish for less stress! After all, my wish might come true, and then where would I be? Lonely? Jobless? No, better to try and find ways to cope with the life I have. After all, it ain’t all that bad, but I do only need one for now!
Playlist:
1. You Only Live Twice — Nancy Sinatra
2. It’s My Life — The Animals
3. Playground in My Mind — Clint Holmes
4. Too Much to Think About — The B52’s
5. Living In the Past — Jethro Tull
6. Do That To Me One More Time — The Captain and Tennile
7. Nothing New — Ashlee Simpson
8. What’ll I Do — Frank Sinatra
9. The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight — R.E.M.
10. Life During Wartime — Talking Heads
Sunday, May 17, 2009
If You Need Me, I'll Call You
I hate cell phones. So pardon me if I’m cranky towards all the people walking around with them permanently attached to their heads. I just don’t get it!
Back when there were only “land lines,” my biggest headache was telemarketers calling me during dinner. When the answering machine was invented, I could avoid that nuisance by “letting the machine pick up.” All was right with the world.
Then came the cell phone. On my stress-buster list, No. 2 (after winning the lottery) would be throwing my cell phone off the nearest cliff. I only got it for emergencies. Yet somehow it’s become something I’m supposed to carry all the time. Remember being able to say “I’m on vacation. You won’t be able to reach me ’til the 10th?” Selective unavailability should be one of the hallmarks of a civilized culture.
I might sound like a crazy old lady, but I cherish my “me-time,” don’t you?
Just hearing everybody’s loud, silly ringtones is enough to drive you nuts. A friend tells me that mine is a manic little version of Chopin’s “Etude in Gb Major, Opus 10, No. 5.” Sort of sounds like a toy piano on speed. How, she wonders, would Chopin feel about that? Is he spinning around in his grave, his restless spirit urging me to put my cell on vibrate?
And while we’re at it, I wonder how Mr. Beethoven would feel knowing that one of his greatest symphonies is now known to most as the theme to “Judge Judy.” But I digress. …
You know what happens when you opt not to answer your cell phone. The caller leaves a voicemail message, and once the little box starts beeping and flashing, I dare the strongest of you not to grab the darn thing and start punching in your access code. We can’t resist the temptation to hear what’s on there! We’re slaves to this tiny rectangular ball-and-chain. And we get charged extra for retrieving messages. As I listen to the relentlessly perky instructions of the voicemail monitor in the sky, I’m thinking, “why am I doing this?”
A different awful: the person who doesn’t answer their cell phone when you call. This results in your having to leave a detailed message, only to have the person call you back within seconds of your hanging up. Again, the cell phone companies seem to be the only winners here.
From what I can see, cell phones are looking less like communication and more like a drug.
Why does everyone seem to have this insatiable need to be constantly connected to someone else? Could it be that they are stuck in a habit of nonawareness, unable to see or experience the world firsthand? Apparently we can’t just sit and enjoy a peaceful sunny afternoon under a tree. We need to check in with work. We need to describe the tree to our Facebook friends. We need to make sure someone else does something as promised. Anything but being in the here and now. I’d hate to think that people have decided to save time by just discarding that concept altogether.
Maybe if we all weren’t so busy calling each other, we could really keep in touch – with reality, that is.
Playlist:
1. Don’t Call Us - We’ll Call You — Sugarloaf
2. How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away — Dan Hicks & His Hot Licks
3. Ring-A-Ding Ding — Frank Sinatra
4. Call and Answer —Barenaked Ladies
5. Hanging on the Telephone — Blondie
6. Quiet Nights — Diana Krall
7. No Phone — Cake
8. Little Red Light — Fountains of Wayne
9. Telephone Line — ELO
10. Call Me — Al Green
Back when there were only “land lines,” my biggest headache was telemarketers calling me during dinner. When the answering machine was invented, I could avoid that nuisance by “letting the machine pick up.” All was right with the world.
Then came the cell phone. On my stress-buster list, No. 2 (after winning the lottery) would be throwing my cell phone off the nearest cliff. I only got it for emergencies. Yet somehow it’s become something I’m supposed to carry all the time. Remember being able to say “I’m on vacation. You won’t be able to reach me ’til the 10th?” Selective unavailability should be one of the hallmarks of a civilized culture.
I might sound like a crazy old lady, but I cherish my “me-time,” don’t you?
Just hearing everybody’s loud, silly ringtones is enough to drive you nuts. A friend tells me that mine is a manic little version of Chopin’s “Etude in Gb Major, Opus 10, No. 5.” Sort of sounds like a toy piano on speed. How, she wonders, would Chopin feel about that? Is he spinning around in his grave, his restless spirit urging me to put my cell on vibrate?
And while we’re at it, I wonder how Mr. Beethoven would feel knowing that one of his greatest symphonies is now known to most as the theme to “Judge Judy.” But I digress. …
You know what happens when you opt not to answer your cell phone. The caller leaves a voicemail message, and once the little box starts beeping and flashing, I dare the strongest of you not to grab the darn thing and start punching in your access code. We can’t resist the temptation to hear what’s on there! We’re slaves to this tiny rectangular ball-and-chain. And we get charged extra for retrieving messages. As I listen to the relentlessly perky instructions of the voicemail monitor in the sky, I’m thinking, “why am I doing this?”
A different awful: the person who doesn’t answer their cell phone when you call. This results in your having to leave a detailed message, only to have the person call you back within seconds of your hanging up. Again, the cell phone companies seem to be the only winners here.
From what I can see, cell phones are looking less like communication and more like a drug.
Why does everyone seem to have this insatiable need to be constantly connected to someone else? Could it be that they are stuck in a habit of nonawareness, unable to see or experience the world firsthand? Apparently we can’t just sit and enjoy a peaceful sunny afternoon under a tree. We need to check in with work. We need to describe the tree to our Facebook friends. We need to make sure someone else does something as promised. Anything but being in the here and now. I’d hate to think that people have decided to save time by just discarding that concept altogether.
Maybe if we all weren’t so busy calling each other, we could really keep in touch – with reality, that is.
Playlist:
1. Don’t Call Us - We’ll Call You — Sugarloaf
2. How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away — Dan Hicks & His Hot Licks
3. Ring-A-Ding Ding — Frank Sinatra
4. Call and Answer —Barenaked Ladies
5. Hanging on the Telephone — Blondie
6. Quiet Nights — Diana Krall
7. No Phone — Cake
8. Little Red Light — Fountains of Wayne
9. Telephone Line — ELO
10. Call Me — Al Green
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Calling All Smarties
Are you one of those people who can spot a real bargain? Do you prefer preowned cars? Maybe to save money you clip coupons, go to matinees or drink wine by the box.
Have I got a deal for you!
Are you ready? My hot tip takes just two words: give blood. You’re probably saying to yourself, “How can a phrase containing the word ‘give’ possibly mean anything but coming away with less than you had before? How can I come out ahead in this?”
It’s like a pot-luck. You bring a bag of potato chips to the family reunion. For that tiny investment, you can eat barbecue, slaw and, most importantly, chocolate cake!
Giving blood is like that. You get your donation back 10 times over. Here’s how it works.
You go down to the Medic office. For most Knox Countians, that’s a drive of a half-hour or less. Then you answer some medical questions, sit back and relax for about 10 minutes. You leave with a T-shirt, beverage and snack, and the warm feeling you get knowing you made a life-saving donation to the area’s vital blood supply. Most people think that’s all there is to it, but they’re leaving out the best part!
Now, I realize that the above scenario omitted a significant technicality. You have to part with a pint of yourself. I understand the uneasy feeling you get thinking of the process itself. Yes, needles, arm soreness and queasiness all come to mind when people think of excuses not to give blood.
But I think mostly folks think it’s just one more annoying thing to remember to do on top of everything else. So I’m here to tell you, the payoff is so worth it!
What You Really Get
OK, let’s talk about the barbecue, slaw and cake.
This is such a steal I don’t know why the workers at Medic aren’t constantly inundated with people. For that one pint of blood you donate, you get free blood for a year. Let me repeat that. Free blood for a year! How amazing is that? You could crash your car next month, end up in the hospital and need 10 pints just the first day! And blood’s not cheap – we’re talking hundreds of dollars here, and most insurance companies don’t pay for it. No worries if you’ve given blood at Medic and have that sweet year-long “insurance policy.” It works at any hospital in the country, too.
Side note: the government says you can’t charge money for blood products, so technically we’re talking about the cost of the fees that go into safely processing that pint you donated. But you get the idea.
And now, back to the infomercial. “Call now. But wait, there’s more!” That deal’s not only for you, but also for your dependents. You heard right. Countless grateful parents throughout East Tennessee have protected their families by donating blood themselves. There’s even a program covering everyone in your business if you can get just 30 percent of your fellow-employees to pony up some of that liquid gold. Talk about bang for the buck!
So don’t worry if being magnanimous isn’t your bag. Think of giving blood more as, well, all about you! For the deal of a lifetime, get yourself on down to Medic or talk to your group leader or boss about a mobile drive. Tell them I sent you!
Medic Regional Blood Center can be reached at 865-524-3074.
Playlist:
1. My Way of Giving — Rod Stewart
2. With Arms Wide Open — Creed
3. Gimme Some Lovin’ — Spencer Davis Group
4. Give It Away — George Strait
5. Giving You the Best That I Got — Anita Baker
6. Man With the Golden Arm — Billy May
7. You Can Have It — Ike & Tina Turner
8. These Arms of Mine — Otis Redding
9. What Do I Get? — The Buzzcocks
10. It’s All About Me — Bratz Soundtrack
Have I got a deal for you!
Are you ready? My hot tip takes just two words: give blood. You’re probably saying to yourself, “How can a phrase containing the word ‘give’ possibly mean anything but coming away with less than you had before? How can I come out ahead in this?”
It’s like a pot-luck. You bring a bag of potato chips to the family reunion. For that tiny investment, you can eat barbecue, slaw and, most importantly, chocolate cake!
Giving blood is like that. You get your donation back 10 times over. Here’s how it works.
You go down to the Medic office. For most Knox Countians, that’s a drive of a half-hour or less. Then you answer some medical questions, sit back and relax for about 10 minutes. You leave with a T-shirt, beverage and snack, and the warm feeling you get knowing you made a life-saving donation to the area’s vital blood supply. Most people think that’s all there is to it, but they’re leaving out the best part!
Now, I realize that the above scenario omitted a significant technicality. You have to part with a pint of yourself. I understand the uneasy feeling you get thinking of the process itself. Yes, needles, arm soreness and queasiness all come to mind when people think of excuses not to give blood.
But I think mostly folks think it’s just one more annoying thing to remember to do on top of everything else. So I’m here to tell you, the payoff is so worth it!
What You Really Get
OK, let’s talk about the barbecue, slaw and cake.
This is such a steal I don’t know why the workers at Medic aren’t constantly inundated with people. For that one pint of blood you donate, you get free blood for a year. Let me repeat that. Free blood for a year! How amazing is that? You could crash your car next month, end up in the hospital and need 10 pints just the first day! And blood’s not cheap – we’re talking hundreds of dollars here, and most insurance companies don’t pay for it. No worries if you’ve given blood at Medic and have that sweet year-long “insurance policy.” It works at any hospital in the country, too.
Side note: the government says you can’t charge money for blood products, so technically we’re talking about the cost of the fees that go into safely processing that pint you donated. But you get the idea.
And now, back to the infomercial. “Call now. But wait, there’s more!” That deal’s not only for you, but also for your dependents. You heard right. Countless grateful parents throughout East Tennessee have protected their families by donating blood themselves. There’s even a program covering everyone in your business if you can get just 30 percent of your fellow-employees to pony up some of that liquid gold. Talk about bang for the buck!
So don’t worry if being magnanimous isn’t your bag. Think of giving blood more as, well, all about you! For the deal of a lifetime, get yourself on down to Medic or talk to your group leader or boss about a mobile drive. Tell them I sent you!
Medic Regional Blood Center can be reached at 865-524-3074.
Playlist:
1. My Way of Giving — Rod Stewart
2. With Arms Wide Open — Creed
3. Gimme Some Lovin’ — Spencer Davis Group
4. Give It Away — George Strait
5. Giving You the Best That I Got — Anita Baker
6. Man With the Golden Arm — Billy May
7. You Can Have It — Ike & Tina Turner
8. These Arms of Mine — Otis Redding
9. What Do I Get? — The Buzzcocks
10. It’s All About Me — Bratz Soundtrack
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Family resemblance
Have you reached the point in your life yet where you look at your hands, or your nose, or your what-have-you, and say to yourself, “Oh my gosh, I look just like my mother”? Or your father, or whomever you least expected (or wanted) to emulate as a kid?
Gather ’round, people, and behold! For I have seen my dear departed father, and he is alive and well in my own hands. Yes, that’s right. When I look at my hands, it’s as if my dad is standing right in front of me.
It happens especially when I’m driving. Luckily I didn’t also inherit his habit of straightening curves! I also get a touch of arthritis sometimes in my knuckles, just like he did.
On the flip side, I’ve got my Mom’s feet. I remember it like it was yesterday … Mama loved to tell the story of how she had flat feet when she was a kid. That is, until my grandmother sent her off to summer camp. The prescription? Grammy had a doctor write a note allowing Mama to go barefoot all summer to strengthen her weak arches on the lake rocks in Maine. I’m not sure about the validity of that theory, but apparently it worked; Mama’s flat feet never returned.
I, however, am a tenderfoot. Once I walked on an old tin can and cut the heck out of my heel – some summer vacation that was! So I still have the flat feet I was born with (a.k.a. “collapsing arches”). I also have bunions like Mama had, but I haven’t worn what I call “cruel shoes” for some time, thereby avoiding the surgery she had to endure. But every once in a while when the weather gets cold and damp, those painful little protuberances make their presence known. Oh yes, you better believe they do.
Thanks a lot, Mama. Actually, that’s a complaint department I wish were still open! But in this game of genetics, you play the cards you’re dealt. I’ve got a couple of pairs – a better hand than some.
The eeriest thing about being my parents’ daughter, and I think my sisters will back me up on this, is how I take after Mama and Daddy’s mannerisms. They’ll say, “you sounded just like Daddy right then!” Sometimes I catch myself shrugging my answer to a question, simultaneously conveying my ignorance of and apathy towards it – a pure, dyed-in-the-wool Daddy-ism.
I look in the mirror and see Daddy in my smile, my forehead. A friend of mine happened upon an old photo of him at 17 years old. She thought it was a picture of me at a costume party!
I feel sorry for folks who don’t know who their biological parents are, if only because they’ll never see that mirror image of themselves, warts and all, that could give them some insight as to who they really are and how they got that way. If I’m sometimes aghast at becoming like my parents, I just think what the alternative would be, and I’m grateful I know my heritage.
Playlist:
1. Family Tradition - Hank Williams Jr.
2. Seein' My Father in Me - Paul Overstreet
3. Daddy's Hands - Holly Dunn
4. Family Affair - Sly & the Family Stone
5. I'll Be Your Mirror - The Velvet Underground
6. Tell Me What You See - The Beatles
7. Living Together, Growing Together - Burt Bacharach
8. We Are Family - Sister Sledge
9. Watcha See is Whatcha Get - The Dramatics
10. Look At That Face - Barbra Streisand
Gather ’round, people, and behold! For I have seen my dear departed father, and he is alive and well in my own hands. Yes, that’s right. When I look at my hands, it’s as if my dad is standing right in front of me.
It happens especially when I’m driving. Luckily I didn’t also inherit his habit of straightening curves! I also get a touch of arthritis sometimes in my knuckles, just like he did.
On the flip side, I’ve got my Mom’s feet. I remember it like it was yesterday … Mama loved to tell the story of how she had flat feet when she was a kid. That is, until my grandmother sent her off to summer camp. The prescription? Grammy had a doctor write a note allowing Mama to go barefoot all summer to strengthen her weak arches on the lake rocks in Maine. I’m not sure about the validity of that theory, but apparently it worked; Mama’s flat feet never returned.
I, however, am a tenderfoot. Once I walked on an old tin can and cut the heck out of my heel – some summer vacation that was! So I still have the flat feet I was born with (a.k.a. “collapsing arches”). I also have bunions like Mama had, but I haven’t worn what I call “cruel shoes” for some time, thereby avoiding the surgery she had to endure. But every once in a while when the weather gets cold and damp, those painful little protuberances make their presence known. Oh yes, you better believe they do.
Thanks a lot, Mama. Actually, that’s a complaint department I wish were still open! But in this game of genetics, you play the cards you’re dealt. I’ve got a couple of pairs – a better hand than some.
The eeriest thing about being my parents’ daughter, and I think my sisters will back me up on this, is how I take after Mama and Daddy’s mannerisms. They’ll say, “you sounded just like Daddy right then!” Sometimes I catch myself shrugging my answer to a question, simultaneously conveying my ignorance of and apathy towards it – a pure, dyed-in-the-wool Daddy-ism.
I look in the mirror and see Daddy in my smile, my forehead. A friend of mine happened upon an old photo of him at 17 years old. She thought it was a picture of me at a costume party!
I feel sorry for folks who don’t know who their biological parents are, if only because they’ll never see that mirror image of themselves, warts and all, that could give them some insight as to who they really are and how they got that way. If I’m sometimes aghast at becoming like my parents, I just think what the alternative would be, and I’m grateful I know my heritage.
Playlist:
1. Family Tradition - Hank Williams Jr.
2. Seein' My Father in Me - Paul Overstreet
3. Daddy's Hands - Holly Dunn
4. Family Affair - Sly & the Family Stone
5. I'll Be Your Mirror - The Velvet Underground
6. Tell Me What You See - The Beatles
7. Living Together, Growing Together - Burt Bacharach
8. We Are Family - Sister Sledge
9. Watcha See is Whatcha Get - The Dramatics
10. Look At That Face - Barbra Streisand
